Your Stars With a Homophobic Driving Instructor


Aries Mar 20 – Apr 19 You prefer to focus on the future and not obsess about the past, and, with Scorpio in your house of honours this month, expect to make a left at the next set of lights. Ugh, look at that. Why are lesbians always holding hands in public? I’m not a homophobe, but chill out. We get it.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20 Heed the advice of someone who’s been down this road before, dear Taurus. I used to work with a gay, actually. He was all right. I hated getting stuck in the lift with him, though; know what I mean? I’m not homophobic or anything. Don’t forget to indicate.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20 With Mercury in retrograde, you might feel a little off this month. But all it takes is one small adjustment to overtake this van. Did you know Freddie Mercury was a gay? Kind of ruined ‘We Are the Champions’ a bit, didn’t it. I’m not saying I’ve got a problem with the gays, but you know.

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 21 The only person who can trip you up is you, so relax and let the stars do the work for you this month as you—hang on, you’re in neutral. Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch your hand just then. I didn’t mean that. Ha! I’m not a gay or nothin’. I’m not saying that’s wrong, I’m just saying… I’m not one of them. Cough

Leo Jul 22 – Aug 22 Someone from your past may re-enter your life this month, dear Leo, and you’ll have to remember to indicate to let other drivers know you’re leaving your parking space. Also, I’m definitely not a poof.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22 This month somebody may try to profit at your expense, but have faith. What goes around comes around and here comes a speed hump. I fucked a chick in this car, you know. I fuck girls all the time, dude. I’m addicted to pussy. Guess what my friends call me? ‘The Pussy Addict’.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22 Anyone can spot a fault, but it’s the exceptional mind that can find a way to turn that into a plus. No homo. Make a three-point turn here.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21 Money matters come to the fore this month, as you remember to check both mirrors. You wanna know the three best movies ever made? Top Gun, The Outsiders and Grease. Keep an eye on your black spot.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 20 A pledge made in haste a while back returns to haunt you this month, but don’t worry, you’ll pass your drivers exam. Do you work out? You look like you work out. Make a right up here.

Capricorn Dec 21 – Jan 19 Getting together with an old friend this month will renew your confidence and remind you to adjust your mirrors after you’ve got your seatbelt on. You forgot again, silly. You’re funny, do people tell you that? I bet they do.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 17 Aquarians will see their careers come into focus this month as the new moon makes its way into your tenth house of—watch out for that motorcyclist. I just love motorcycles, don’t you? You’d look cool on a bike. In your leather jacket and your big boots. Brrrm! Brrrm!

Pisces Feb 18 – Mar 19 Okay, just pull up here and let’s get a look at that cock.

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