I know, we’re still two months shy of the halfway mark, but the first four months of 2019 have really put on a show.
And while I loathe contributing to what is already an overwhelmingly disproportionate amount of negative energy swimming around out there, the name brand stock cube of a song that was imposed on the world last Friday has led me to this moment. Taylor Swift deserves to be held accountable for what she has done. To be honest, every other person mentioned in this article is just collateral damage. If I had to listen to an ageing Blink 182 jam with Irrelevant Aoki for the rest of my life so that I never had to hear the echo of her uninspired vocal chamber again, I would. Here we go!
Taylor Swift – ME! (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! At The Disco)
This is the worst song I have ever heard. I loathe and detest it more than anything my ears have ever had the misfortune of intercepting before. Who is Taylor Swift even making music for now? I know her fanbase has always been young, but no ear above the age of nine can entertain this rubbish. She knows it, too, and that’s why she even squeals, ‘Hey kids! Spelling is fun!’ to no one in particular. The only thing this song is destined to inspire is a Starbucks x Ugg collab. What can you even chime in to say about Panic! At The Disco’s Brandon Urie? The man will never be able to look at himself in the mirror again, so I think he’s been punished enough already.
Marshmello – Light It Up ft. Tyga & Chris Brown
I’m happy to announce that up until today, I’ve lived in blissful ignorance to the fact that a fully grown adult male who wears a spray-painted bucket on his head loosely resembling a marshmallow is alive at the same time as me. I refuse to Google one single other fact about him, because this is enough. But shout out for getting the homie Chris Brown on the track, so sick! That guy is the GOAT. My favourite thing about him is how he beat Rihanna to a bloody pulp, and then got a tattoo of a woman’s beat up face on his neck to commemorate the occasion. Or, was it when his other ex-girlfriend Karrueche had to get a restraining order against him after he pushed her down the stairs and threatened her life? OR was it three years ago when he pointed a gun to a woman’s head inside his LA home? No, wait, I’ve got it. It’s when he made a line of merch this year that said, ‘This Bitch Lyin’ to mock the woman who accused him of rape. So many violent crimes against women to choose from! What a dreamboat.
Ariana Grande – 7 Rings
Ariana Grande has endured a rough couple of years, and there’s no denying her resilience. But what is with this whole rich brat schtick she’s peddling these days, and why are we all worshipping it? I guess that donut incident back in 2015 was a bigger red flag than we realised. This song isn’t an empowering anthem like Destiny’s Child’s ‘Independent Women’, it’s a glorification of consumerism and obscene wealth, with lyrics like ‘Whoever said money can’t solve your problems/Must not have had enough money to solve ’em.’ While we’re here, why isn’t anyone talking about the fact that she pretends she’s black? Lil Ari’s out here giving Rachel Dolezel a run for her money.
Steve Aoki – Why Are We So Broken feat. Blink 182
When it comes to growing old gracefully, there is something much more terrifying than watching a woman paralyse her face to the point of rendering her iPhone’s facial recognition feature useless, and that is ageing male rockers who just. won’t. quit. Another terrifying thing is just Steve Aoki in general. How has he made it this far by pushing the same four buttons for over two decades? This whole thing is a fucking disaster. I also know for a fact that not one woman was involved in any of the decision making around this project because if they were, it simply never would have happened.
Bebe Rexha – Last Hurrah
How many ladies on the way to the mall to return their faulty hair straighteners have blown their Kia speakers to this bad boy? Turn it all the way up, pronounce margarita with an accent and fuck the haters, babe. You do you. But also, like, I really hope today is your last hurrah.