Weekly Roundup

My signature skating trick involved careening down a hill, hitting a parked car and vacuuming up all the loose gravel in the street with my face.

I fared no better on my BMX, once riding it off the edge of a ravine that I didn’t know was there. Trevor Jacob—skater, Olympic snowboarder and Nitro Circus ledge—posted a video on his Insta this week of him flipping off a deck and landing on a dirt bike, which he promptly rides up a hill and backflips again. Bastard. His trademark is jumping mid-air from a BMX onto a skateboard some lunatic chucks at him, which he grabs, flips and rides off into the sunset to a guitar-shredding soundtrack. Double bastard! Here’s a challenge for you, TJ Hooker—I’ve invented a sport called SK8Ball, where teams skate around an arena holding a volleyball painted black and try to dunk it in various nets, while the other team tries to kill them. It’s no holds barred stuff. You’d be into it. Better than regular basketball, anyway. Way more danger!

Although. Bats invaded a San Antonio Spurs vs. Brooklyn Nets game this week. Some players tried to fight them off, while other more, shall we say, lily-livered B-ballers, ran screaming from the court. They had to call in bat catchers (security guards with nets) to deter the leathery-winged beasties. Weirdly, this is not the first time this has happened at San Antonio’s AT&T Centre. Throwback to 2009, when Spurs guard Manu Ginobili swatted a bat out of the air during a game, before picking it up and carrying it to freedom. Except he had to receive 16 rounds of rabies shots for his trouble. This week’s bats were clearly Brooklyn fans. They shat all over the court. Note to self: Release vampire bats during fourth quarter of all SK8Ball games.

In other exciting animal faeces news, volunteers at New Zealand’s National Institute of Water and Atmospheric Research this week defrosted a leopard seal turd they’d been keeping in the freezer for more than a year, right next to an Aldi pizza. I guess they wanted to see what leopard seals eat? USB sticks, turns out. Yup, they retrieved a USB from the seal shit, ran it under the tap, zapped it with a blow dryer and plugged it into their office PC. The frigging thing still worked. On it was photos and video footage of seals taken from a kayak. Plus a couple of tasteful nudes. Glamour shots, I believe they’re called. Seals posing in lingerie and bending over to pick up fish they’d dropped, that sort of thing. Specialist stuff. Anyway, NIWA want to reunite the USB with its owner, so if you’re the sicko into leopard seal soft porn, drop them a discreet email.

Sticking with butt action, who’s ever tried lighting a fart? Show of hands. Come on, don’t be shy. An especially hirsute friend of mine from Ireland, who shall remain nameless, did it once and set his mighty pubic mane on fire. Nice one, Norm. Sorry, I mean, unknown Irishman. He later became an engineer, so I guess it was all downhill from the farting incident. Apparently there’s a troll called Guy Diamond in animated movie Trolls who specialises in farting glitter. I know this because he recently joined the team at Universal Studios Orlando, where he greets kids and farts glitter on them. He is purple and parades around nude, though he has no visible genitalia. There’s someone inside that suit. My guess is it’s an Irish engineer fallen on hard times, although if my Green Card application goes through, I know what I’ll be doing to earn a crust in the American dystopia. What do they ask at the interview? Do you have to demonstrate farting ability? Does the best fart win???

Ah, America. What the fuck is up with you? Bud Light made the news this week because apparently the Bud Light Knight lives in Westeros. Or he did, until the Mountain Gregor Clegane crushed his skull. Yes folks, the highlight of the most tedious Super Bowl in history was the weird crossover ad promoting Budweiser and the new season of Game of Thrones at the same time. What starts off as a comedic medieval joust ends, in classic GoT style, with the horrific deaths of not only the Budweiser mascot but everyone attending the tournament. Wow. Do either of these products even need to bother advertising? Note to self: SK8Ball players receive extra points for drinking beer and rum shots on court. Also: cancel the bats and get me dragons!

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