Valentine’s Day on a Shoestring

We can’t all afford to lavish our partners with expensive gifts and fine meals and things that were made in Switzerland on Valentine’s Day.

Some of us are of more modest means, and we have to express our love with clever, cost-effective ideas. I have a friend who was once so broke on Valentine’s Day, he just appeared at his girlfriend’s door wearing a ribbon on his pecker, and she swears it was the best Valentine’s Day ever. And it wasn’t even a real ribbon—it was dental floss. And that just goes to show you don’t need a black Amex card and a helicopter to make that special someone swoon on Valentine’s Day. Here are some other great, bargain-basement ideas.

A Trip to Hobo Gulch: ‘She walks in beauty like the night,’ said Lord Byron in a poem about walking, but I’ll bet my left foot he’d change that poem to ‘she walks in Hobo Gulch’ if he’d ever been there. Situated somewhere near where the suburbs disappear into woodland, Hobo Gulch is a place of adventure, intrigue and, most importantly, high romance. Just three hours on a bus and then a short ten-mile walk. Take a thermos of soup for extra romance.

What’s for Dinner? Free Samples: Why waste money on expensive roasted foods and delicious champagnes in fine eateries (pictured) when you could chow for free at one of the many establishments that offer free samples? Charcoal Charlie’s Chicken outlets always have free tidbits to savour, and you can request samples at Haigh’s Chocolates without giving even the slightest impression that you intend to buy. Hot tip: leave and return wearing different clothes to receive more free samples.

Future Gifts: What better way to say, ‘I love you,’ than with the gift of an IOU? And an IOU can promise anything and you don’t even have to put a deadline on it. For example, you could tear the corner off of an old envelope and write ‘IOU one all-expenses-paid romantic weekend in Hobo Gulch’ and slip it between two pieces of bread. Imagine how overcome with joy and romantic feelings that special someone will be when they find that pledge of passion in their peanut butter sandwich! As the French say, Tu seras un cochon spécial!

Windowshopping in a Rich Neighbourhood: You might not be able to provide your life-partner with plentifulness and luxury, but there’s no reason why you can’t take them to see other people enjoying it. A walking tour of a rich neighbourhood at night is the best way to really enjoy seeing other people having more than you and being happier—and sometimes they leave their windows open and you can smell their food!

For the Boudoir: Valentine’s Day is a very sexy day, but lingerie and sex toys can hit the hip pocket hard, especially if you go for that shi-shi high-end stuff. $12 for a pair of crotchless panties? That’s highway robbery. If you don’t want to take out a loan for sexy underwear, you can take existing underwear and make it a little more risqué by cutting out the gusset and nipples with a pair of scissors. Don’t want to sell the farm to buy a dildo? Why not make one out of dough and let it harden in the sun for a few days? Ooh-la-la—that’s amore!

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. X


Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter