Toilet Paper Alternatives

While trading an electric guitar for three rolls of toilet paper in an alley last night, I had a terrifying thought: What will we do when this stuff runs out?’

It seems absurd to consider, but it’s something we need to take seriously if we’re to survive the coming Shit Ticket Crisis. Let’s not waste time asking questions like ‘Wait, don’t we manufacture our own toilet paper in Australia?’ or ‘Come to think of it, haven’t 50,000 of the 90,000 people with COVID-19 already recovered?’ or ‘Hang on, should I be committing knife crime over toilet paper today?’ Kick all that rational thought to the back of your skull and get serious about how you’re going to make it through Australia’s mucky-butt, hellscape future! Do you want a squadron of flies chasing the seat of your pants as you walk to work each day, or do you want to continue living like a decent human being? Be prepared! Here are some ideas to keep your caboose squeaky clean when the TP inevitably never runs out.

Yellow Pages – Apparently, the internet didn’t happen to the people who make the Yellow Pages, because I got a copy on my doorstep last week. You probably did too, but did you have the foresight to not throw it out? Me neither. It went straight in the recycling. Which is a shame because anyone who ever lived in a sharehouse knows that one copy of the Yellow Pages will provide at least fifteen toilet visits. Yes, it’s inky and razor-sharp and tattoos your crack with black scratches, but it’s good for several goes. No brainer.

Pizza Delivery – Order a pizza, eat the topping,  flip it over and—hello, what’s this? A warm, triangular, biodegradable sanitary-wipe? Don’t mind if I do! Remain clean as a whistle and lower my carb intake at the same time? Don’t mind if I do! Include a mixed green salad with my order for a cool, refreshing finish? Don’t mind if I do!

DVD’s – Pity the fool who threw out all their DVDs when Netflix arrived, because they’re very handy in the bathroom during a rat-panic-generated toilet paper shortage. The humble DVD and sturdy case are the Swiss army knife of the toilet paper substitute world. The DVD itself can be used as a scraper and the box can be converted into a sort of shit-eating puppet.

Coca Cola – The fizzy bidet. We’ve all seen what it does to tarnished coins—guess what it’ll do for your tarnished butt? Exactly. Coke is basically oven cleaner for your arse. Just a quick splash is all it takes and everything is eaten up by the same stuff that eats your teeth when you drink it: phosphoric acid. For severe cases of mud-butt, add Mentos.

Rainbow Afro Wig – Why we don’t have one of these hanging on the wall next to every commode in the world is beyond me. The colours are infinitely more cheerful than the dour stucco of ordinary TP,  its size promises maximum wipe coverage, and there’s no way your hand will ever come in contact with the dreaded matter. Any wig will do the trick, but why not use a rainbow one and cake those jolly colours with shit?

Cicada Shells – They’re free and they’re stuck to willow trees the land over. You’re probably thinking, ‘No way, you’ll just end up with crumbled cicada shells and excrement all over the place.’ Yeah, you will if you go at it like a bull at a gate. But if you’re careful and gently drag each shell as you would a particularly fragile cracker through some particularly revolting hummus, you’ll never need TP again.

Leaves – Another freebie and one that never failed our ancient ancestors. Leaves are Mother Nature’s shit tickets. They’re the toilet paper before there was toilet paper. There was a sponge on the end of stick somewhere between leaves and toilet paper, but that didn’t last very long. Other plant-based TP substitutes include bark, sticks, jacaranda pods, spears of aloe, lawn clippings, moss, pine cones. Good luck!

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