Sounds New, Sounds Good: Audio Stuff We Must Have


I’m pretty happy with my stereo set up.

I’ve got a vintage, belt-driven Pioneer turntable, a NAD receiver and a couple of basic Wharfedale speakers. To me, it sounds great. To Devon Turnbull, it probably sounds like Satan farting through a rolled-up magazine, but then he disappeared into the world of high-end bespoke audio years ago and his ears have gone weird. Me though, I can happily listen to music coming out of the pathetic little speaker on my iPhone (which I do on my Friday night Jazz Ride—more on that at a later date); however, I can still appreciate nice stuff, and that’s what this is all about: new audio products I like and think you’ll like too. Let’s take a look—or, rather, a listen! Hahahahahahahaah. I sniff glue.

Stelae Portable Home Speaker by Lucis Ceng

I like this because it looks like one of those really expensive Dyson fans I desire but am too cheap to buy (‘buy good quality,’ says my dad’s voice in my head, ‘and you’ll never have to buy it again). Also, Stelae reminds me of ‘Staedtler’, the pencils I like to stab my hand with to make my dad’s voice go away. Stelae is wireless (charged via USB), but you can leave it plugged in at home. Imagine taking this thing to the beach, though: ‘Hi, girls.’ Stelae features a vertical control panel located at the top of the speaker (volume and play, pause, etc) and naturally it’s BluesTeeth compatible. There are four woofers running up the stem, but how does it sound? I don’t know, but it’ll look good on a black marble coffee table next to your fanned copies of Monocle and some cocaine. Click for more info.

Prodigy Record Cleaning Machine by Keith Monks 

Keith Monks is such a good name for the guy that invented this record cleaner, isn’t it? Imagine Keef coming over to your gaff and telling you your records is ‘filfy’ and need a good scrub. You’d set to work cleaning them right away. ‘Not wif a rag an’ Windex, you herbert,’ Keef would say, ‘Use my precise, peerlessly effective wash and dry record cleaning machine! It cleans 12″, 10″ and 7″ records, and even 5″ digital discs! Trusted by the world’s greatest libraries and based on my original BBC-Monks system from 1969, the Prodigy record cleaning machine by me—Keef bleedin’ Monks—is the only record cleaner you’ll ever need, innit!’ Additional details and cor-blimey here.

plug-side view. there’s nothing on the front.

Dense Home: All-In-One Hi-Fi Audio System

All-in-one, never-fuck-around-with-components-and-wires-and-shit-ever-again audio system that looks like the unobtrusive object in the picture (not the pineapple)? Yes please—but how? Dense Home is an audio amplifier that migrates all audio devices into one. ‘It’s packed with connectivities,’ say the creators, making me reach for the dictionary, ‘that can connect to any audio devices in your home. And with the natural look of Corian Solid surface top and the dark shade of the seamless aluminium body, Dense Home is no longer an electronic device, but a piece of furniture completing your home design.’ It’s basically an amp, I guess, but a small, powerful and tidy one that operates via an invisible touchpad. Actually, it looks pretty sick. Dense Home is currently in the Kickstarter phase, so if you’d like to get in on the ground floor, as they say in the wankier corners of the world, click here.

Mofi X Fender Precisiondeck Turntable

Daaaaaamn. Look at this little beauty. Our mates at Fender have jumped into bed with Mobile Fidelity Electronics to create one of the most beautiful things you will ever not own. I say not because there are only a thousand of these buggers available and there are 8-billion humans on the planet. Terrible odds. The base of the Mofi X Fender Precisiondeck Turntable is milled from a block of choicest swamp ash and finished in that gorgeous and familiar sunburst found on Fender guitars and basses. The 6.8-pound platter is made from purest Delrin (no idea!), while the tonearm, motor, and electronics are taken from MoFi’s popular UltraDeck model. TBH, it’s a bit pricey, but if you’re a single man with a job that pays well—fuck it. She’s gone now and can’t tell you what to do. Click here.

Oneplus Buds Pro Earphones

Balance powerful sound with pure silence. Go on, do it. You can’t. And that’s because you don’t have these Oneplus Buds Pro Earphones by Oneplus. Also, you’re an idiot. I’m kidding. You’re the best and I love you. These new headphones feature Hybrid Active Noise Cancellation which means you can’t hear anything but ‘Politician Man’ by Betty Davis (or whatever) when you’re jogging along the runway next to a 747. These sound amazing and for a long time too, I tell you… McGoo. The battery life on these bad boys runs for 18 months. Wait. 38 hours. But they only take 10 minutes to charge and the nerd specs go for days at the website. Click here, and thank you for reading this list of things I like.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter