So Surf It Hurts


Surfers are weird.

Surfing itself is pretty weird too, but the whole riding a piece of foam and trying to do tricks in the ocean satire is a bit dated, so let’s take a look at the idiosyncrasies and peculiarities of the sport in general. Below are a few facts taken from surf and analyzed under the mainstream microscope.

Personification.

This is a huge one and applied throughout all surf colloquialism, whether it be boards, the ocean or wave-riding itself. A few common examples: ‘This board’s got so much bite man,’ ‘Nah, might wait a while, looks pretty fat out there,’ ‘You see that last one? Ripped that wave to shreds, brah,’ ‘Fuck he’s looking sharp, ay.’ And to really accentuate the absurdity, here’s a carpark story sentence: ‘Oh man, it was so gnarly out there. Couple nugs though. You see that one that came through earlier? Thing was so square. Back out there for the late for sure.’

Self-Urination.

Peeing on yourself. I’m not sure if there’s another sport—or scenario entirely (sexual fetishes aside)—where it’s acceptable for a grown man or woman to pee all over themselves. Commonly referred to as ‘Wetty-Warmers.’

Meteorology.

With the advancement of technology came many things—one of them being the development of meteorology, which studious surfers took up as if they were the channel 7 weatherman, all in the hopes of predicting when they’re going to pull their next sick-day and book an appointment in the ‘Green Room’.

 

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Small-Talk.

Similar to modern mannerisms on the street like ‘Hey how are you,’ ‘Nice day outside,’ ‘Good to see you,’ etc., the ocean line-up and beach carpark also hold their own set of conversational guidelines and key phrases, including ‘Couple fun ones?’ ‘You getting a couple?’ ‘Snuck some?’ ‘What’s the tide doing?’ ‘How is it?’ ‘Getting back out there later?’ among others.

Imminent death by wildlife.

The whole shark thing is dramatized and overplayed, but really, in what other sport do you enter the arena knowing there’s a chance you might get de-limbed. It’d be like if you were playing tennis and got attacked by a tiger. Weird.

Chasing the dragon.

No, not heroin, although the principle is the same: drug-addicts chase highs—surfers chase good waves. And although chasing a few good waves may seem quite commonplace, the lengths to which one goes to for said ‘good wave’ is anything but. International flights followed by domestic flights followed by bus transits followed by ferry rides followed by a speed boat isn’t unusual. And this by no means carries an insurance policy. The airline could throw a 50kg suitcase on top of your boardbag, or the waves could just be dead flat for the week that you’re there and there’s nothing you can do about it. The whole experience is comparable to travelling to a revered golf course to find they’ve filled all the holes with cement.

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