Should You Drink Your Own Piss?

With the world quickly being #coronacancelled one music festival or sporting event at a time, most people are reasonably asking themselves if they should start drinking their own piss.

Piss is roughly 95 percent water and, if the pisser is in good health, the piss-stream is sterile and safe to drink in the short term. In the long term, however, it’s not the best idea to drink your piss, because a pint of even the healthiest piss (say, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s) contains a diverse and wondrous collection of waste, including nitrogen, potassium, and calcium—elements that are not good for you in large, piss-bound quantities.

Drinking your own piss is nothing new. The ancient Greeks enjoyed drinking their piss by the jug-load, and the Romans and Egyptians thought nothing of chugging away at their own spigot. In fact, ancient peoples considered piss to be a cure-all for such maladies as acne, infections, wounds, rashes, the common cold, heart issues, and even cancer. In more recent-ish times, British naturopath and weirdo John W. Armstrong published a 1945 book called The Water of Life: A Treatise on Urine Therapy, in which he claimed that urine could cure all major illnesses, and went so far as to recommend people on their deathbed drink nothing but piss and also rub piss on their skin. Really.

These days, piss drinking (or ‘urine therapy’ as it’s called by people who enjoy drinking their own piss) is very much alive and well, with many thousands of lunatics drinking their own piss because they think it’s good for them, despite their bodies determining it to be bad enough to eject from a small hole in their genitalia.

So, human piss is only useful as a temporary source of hydration. The end. But no, not the end, because piss does hold one other very surprising advantage—it can get you high. When you take drugs, half of them come out in your urine, which is enormously wasteful when you consider a gram of cocaine in Australia costs around $300 probably. The logical thing to do is have a bump of coke and then quickly drink your piss. Drop acid—drink your piss. Experimenting with MDMA—drink your piss. Smoke a joint—swill down a mug of piping hot piss. The same is true of alcohol: one beer is the equivalent of two if you drink your own piss, meaning you and a friend can go to the pub and drink for half-price.

So, yes, you can drink your own piss, but only for a short while or it will make you sick. You’re welcome. Now go buy some more toilet paper before it’s all gone and you’re forced to wipe your arse on the curtains.

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