RIP 3: The Search For Patient Zero

You’ve had an absolute gutful of Covid-19, but that ain’t the only pandemic razing the Earth.

As the final sun set on 2020, a new virus, a sickness of the soul, started rapidly spreading from its breeding ground on the Coal Coast of NSW and is now rumoured to have infected tens of thousands. The main symptoms are a strong desire to ride foam surfboards. In the milder cases, it might be doing airs on a short, fat twinny (see Dion Agius and Chippa Wilson) or wanting to bask fully prone sliding through a South Oz tube (see Harry Bryant and Craig Anderson). There are however more serious cases which cause full-blown yearnings to don original Churchill swimfins and perform what is known as ‘traditional high-performance bodyboarding.’

This highly virulent TRAD strain ran rampant: societal structures have crumbled, grown men dragged openly across the unbroken face in broad daylight, and the likes of Chris James, Noa Deane, and Mitch Coleborn have been caught laying prone with little irony. Grave fears have also been cast for the former prince of the sport, Thomas Robinson, who is rumoured to have relapsed after catching the strain at a Sydney wet market.

‘Yeah, I came back from the weekly wet market visit; few days later, I got this unbeatable urge to steal a hp trad boog and slide on me guts down the coast,’ Mr. Robinson, otherwise known as @lobstercooked sighed. ‘Lost me job, got leg cramps and me backs been killin’ me ever since.’

Where did this all start? Who is patient zero? Drag chief medical officer, Dr. Mad Dog, had this to say.

‘The answer to that is the Bellambi drive through adjacent swampland and James Kates. A young man, full of life and vigour who contracted the lethal 3% max irony HP trad strain while trying to cross his legs and flare Churchills in the downstream creekbed.

May God have mercy on his soul.’

Dr. Dog insisted that while the disease is causing trauma along ripbowls and shallow reefs worldwide, it isn’t the worst possible outcome.

‘Despite the pronedemic’s wretched nature, mortality rates still remain fairly low. An infection can still inflict some serious damage to your self-respect & social standing. It is, however, better than the alternative: taking high-performance stand-up surfing seriously or watching the WSL unironically—and we’ve all seen the consequences of that grim path.’

Fortunately, Drag Board Co has released an educational video warning you of the dangers this virus presents featuring many of the individuals who have succumb to its grip. Do your research and watch above.

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