Report: Australia is Doing All the Meth

If I asked you to guess which country has the highest reported meth use per capita in the whole wide world, what would say?

You’d probably say Australia, but guess what? It’s Australia. According to the latest data on illicit drug consumption released by The Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission, Australia is absolutely lousy with meth. Between August and December last year, there was a slump in interest in cannabis and heroin that saw both substances taking a back seat to delicious meth—and by meth, I mean ice—and the ACIC has just confirmed that meth is still the hot ticket drug of choice for most of the Lucky Country’s drug-fucked druggos. But how do they know? Are meth heads filling in census forms and mailing them to the authorities? No.

A detailed view of Australia getting on the glass bbq recently

What they do is take wastewater samples from key sites across Australia and sift through the shit, piss, blood, snot, earwax, spunk, hair, spit, and toenail clippings of around 13 million people. Then they take the data garnered from all that filth and compare it to data from 129 cities around the world. And that’s how we know that, compared with 24 countries around the world, Australia has the highest consumption of meth. Here are the state-by-state drug highlights according to the report:

  • The NT has the highest percentage of cigarette smokers.
  • People living in regional areas drink more alcohol than their city counterparts, although there is a long-term decline in alcohol consumption in regional Tasmania? I thought Tassie was permanently pissed.
  • NSW, Queensland, South Australia and Victoria are the highest users of ‘ice’ (methamphetamine) and Northern Territory and Tasmania the lowest. Most of the ‘meff,’ however, gets done in ‘Perf’ cunt.
  • The best ice is in Melbourne.
  • Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart residents thought they consumed more cocaine than any other locality, but it was mostly meth cut with something to numb their teeth.
  • Historically low levels of MDMA consumption were reported across the country, including in Darwin where MDMA was once a popular stimulant.
  • ACT residents consumed more heroin than any other city in Australia. Zero surprises there—I’d be boofing smack into my tits for breakfast, too, if I lived in Canberra.
  • Nationally, cannabis use has been trending downwards since August 2021.
  • The prescribed pain killer ketamine is ‘of growing concern’, according to the report. Capital city usage levels have almost doubled the regional averages. That’s a lot of wankers goofed-out on K.

So, there you have it. Australia is on meth.

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