Reasons to Hide in the Basement: Global Edition


Phew! What a month that was, eh?

Ol’ Joey Boy Biden slid into home at the White House, although that hasn’t stopped the lunatic right-wing fucktards from frothing on about stolen elections, baby-eating, and Jewish Space Lasers causing wildfires. Let’s bear in mind these are the same garbage humans who waste our oxygen by declaring mass shootings such as Parkland and Sandy Hook to be ‘false flags,’ meaning faked by actors for the purpose of regulating firearms. Pretty amazing that there are enough morons in America to actually elect people like this to represent them…

Actually, if you read the news on the regular, it’s really not surprising at all.

Speaking of news, guess who’s a rat? Why, the leader of the Proud Boys, of course. Looks like ol’ Enrique spent some time snitching on fellow ne’er do wells to save his own skin a few years back. Shocking, right? Yeah, right. Lots to be proud of there.

I am proud, however, of some Reddit lurkers, which is, frankly, something I never thought I’d say. No, they haven’t denounced their NAMBLA memberships. But they did band together to blow up some billionaire hedge funds, which is almost as impressive. How’d they do it? It’s a little complicated, but basically what a hedge fund does is bet that a company will go out of business. So some newly unemployed Boston basement dweller went full Good Will Hunting and rallied his fellow Redditor day traders to buy a boatload of GameStop stock, driving the price way up, thus crushing the hedge funder’s bets. Along the way a bunch of people got really rich, only this time it wasn’t rich people getting richer, so the powers that be are having a little shit fit. It’s adorable, really.

Some good news: it appears that even as more virile variants of COVID are voraciously burrowing their way through three-ply masks like QAnon does stupid white people’s brains, the vaccines are actually helping. Infection rates have slowed slightly, and the death rate amongst infected yet vaccinated populations has decreased dramatically. See? Go and get pricked, ya pricks. Even if you wind up with 5G chip fused to alien DNA coursing through your veins, you’re less likely to expire wheezing with a chest full of pus. I’d call that a fair trade.

While we’re discussing needles, Oregon’s drug decriminalization went into effect today. This means that if you’re caught with a ‘small’ amount of illicit chemicals, you’re only facing a non-criminal offence—resulting in a $100 fine and a stern lecture. How small is small? Well, quite a lot: you can have up to a gram of heroin, two grams of coke or meth, 40 ‘units’ of LSD, 12 grams of mushrooms, and less than a gram or five pills of MDMA. Sounds like a hell of a Friday night in quarantine, if you ask me. Just kidding. You should probably definitely Just Say No to most of that stuff. ‘Stick with what grows out of the ground,’ has always been my perspective. At least since I turned thirty and moved to the ‘burbs.

Now, United States shit aside, how’s the rest of the planet faring? How are YOU? Oh, yeah? Yikes. Well, you should prolly get that looked at. Soon. Eww.

If you have any friends or family in Russia you may want to check in on ‘em. After Putin threw opposition leader Alexei Navalny in prison—after already trying to poison him a while ago—on some bullshit charges his supporters took their anger to the streets. Alas, in Russia the State doesn’t exactly encourage this sort of civil unrest, so the Kremlin sent in the riot troops to clean things up, leading to ongoing skirmishes in Moscow streets and thousands of civilians being ‘detained’ nationwide. Someone needs to explain to their ABBA-loving despot this isn’t what Super Trooper is talking about.

Democracy has been having a tough go of it, lately. Just this past weekend in Myanmar, the minority yet military-backed USDP party, upset at losing big in November’s democratic elections and falsely claiming widespread election fraud—sound familiar?—staged a coup just hours before the new parliament was to come into session.

General Min Aung Hlaing, a career soldier and head of the Tatmadaw, Myanmar’s military, declared a year-long state of emergency and arrested multiple democratically elected opposition leaders. With troops patrolling streets, a curfew, and a nationwide shutdown of the Internet and media outlets, it’s an abrupt about-face back to the military dictatorship Myanmar shook off just a decade ago.

Among the NLD party members detained were Nobel Prize-winning ‘beacon of democracy’ Aung San Suu Kyi and President Win Myint. Suu Kyi has urged the people of Myanmar to rise up and protest the takeover by a military renowned for its brutality, including widespread allegations of rape, arson, and murder, especially against ethnic minorities. It’s worth noting Suu Kyi previously spent more than a decade in political prison before leading the country’s democratic reform in 2011.

In Warsaw, Poland, thousands took to the streets for days of protests over the country’s adoption of a near-absolute anti-abortion law, a stark blow in the global battle for women’s rights. As nationalist and conservative movements gather steam around the world, abortion access and a woman’s right to abortion has topped headlines. In America, GOP members, fueled by deep-pocketed fundamental Christian organizations, are constantly pushing to ban abortion, even as President Biden reversed a Trump Administration missive that stripped millions of dollars in aid to women’s aid groups around the world. Down South, Honduran lawmakers recently adopted a constitutional amendment that makes it nearly impossible to ever legalize abortion, while Brazilian President Bolsonaro has vowed never to allow it.

Had enough news? Okay, I get it. Here are the highest resolution images of snowflakes ever taken, a wholly ironic cleanse for your mental palate. Happy bunker digging!

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