Politics, Again. Now Interactive! Hanging Chad Edition.


It’s beginning to look a lot like _____(Hannukah/Festivus/Christmas/Kwanza)!

Here in the United States of America, ____________ (bastion of democracy/shining jewel of righteousness/racist patriarchal oligarchy) we’re still fucking about arguing over an obvious election and gleefully watching record numbers of our fellow population choke to death on sputum from a wholly preventable plague in the name of _________(personal liberty/MAGA-ing/Bill Gates/Jesus). They can’t make us wear masks with  ________ (fake science/vast conspiracies/Plandemics).

It’s almost like we don’t want to survive.

Perhaps we’ve finally reached a level of existential dread and self-loathing that can’t help but permeate our culture with an unseen yet undeniable desire to bring about our own extinction. Even if the _________ (plague / whatever Qanon is all about / civil war / Lizard Overlords) don’t take us out, we’re stomping the gas full speed into a climate change catastrophe. Scientists have been kind enough to reveal November was the hottest month on record, a dubious achievement award if ever there was one. How hot? So hot that this year’s La Nina climate pattern—basically the effect of the ocean’s surface cooling down warm air—has proven largely ineffective at lowering global temps as it normally would. Don’t worry, La Nina is still projected to be great for surf and snow, so at least we have that to live for.

I, for one, could use all the sideways action I can get to distract me from the _________ (apocalyptic hellscape/fake news conspiracy/deluge of propaganda/tribute to idiocy) that is any given day’s news roundup. Trump is still ranting to anyone who’ll listen that the election was stolen, a charade that’s grown so _________ (awkward/pathetic/ frighteningly tyrannical) even his most loyal bootlickers, such as Attorney General William Barr, are rapidly distancing themselves. All, that is, save ______ (former sane person/recent COVID victim/subpar hair dye recipient/public flatulater) Rudy Giuliani, who is quite willing to ride this Trump Train straight into the ________ (abyss/Iron Lung/sanitarium/federal prison). Even Trump’s intrepid election result rebutting legal team is getting hard to retain, as 1500 of their fellow lawyers call for state bar investigations into any attorney willing to lie for the president.

Godspeed.

So, where does the election stand as of this dispatch? Well, Biden has officially grasped enough certified electoral votes to win the election, even with Georgia recounting theirs twice. This means Trumpers have essentially run out of any legal challenge to the results, with a final nail being driven home December 14 when each state’s electors officially cast their votes. Shockingly, Trump’s most ________(loyal/ignorant/inbred/brainwashed) MAGA types aren’t taking his defeat very well, resorting to full-on tantrums stomping around waving guns outside state official’s homes.

Trump must be aware the writing is on the wall. His rally rhetoric is transitioning to un-subtle hints about running again in 2024 while urging his rabid fan base to donate to his _______ (super PAC/legal fees/family slush fund). And donate they do, breathlessly lobbing hard-earned money at him like sex-crazed cash-flush meth heads at a strip club, to the tune of  $175 million since the election and counting. Just how much that money will help him and his family once presidential immunity wears off remains to be seen—debtors are lining up, and so are calls for federal investigations, let alone the many pending state-level criminal and civil cases. 2021 should be a fun and cathartic news cycle for ________ (Trump haters/people who believe in justice/literally anyone with any soul).

Which brings us to….

Politically, the other biggest story still unfolding is Georgia’s runoff elections, which have brought gazillions of dollars and international attention to two races that’ll determine which party controls the senate. If the GOP maintains their edge, they’ll be able to stem the barrage of _________ (liberal/sensible/finally rational) legislation from a Biden presidency and Democrat-held House of Representatives. If they lose, and there’s a chance they will, seeing as the formerly blood-red state flipped for Biden in the presidential race, Democrats will have full control in Washington. This should have conservatives _________ (terrified/running for the hills/peeing on their white, scabrous legs) even as the very thought has people like me _______ (cackling/rubbing my paws together like a chonky racoon/finally breathing again/wondering if it’s too late).

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