People Keep Marrying Themselves Because Fuck It

‘I never met “the guy”. I’m 43 years old and have always wanted to get married, so I thought… why not just get married?’

Byron Bay resident Holly English went ahead and married her own existence recently, in an actual ceremony with cake, a dress, flower children, page boys, dinner, a wedding registry, and a honeymoon (in Brisbane—treat yo self). The 43-year-old also had a hens night (complete with contradictory cock-shaped pinata) and her male friends had a bucks night, which apparently got out of hand and left Holly’s existence passed out nude and taped to a goalpost.

At first, you might think Holly English marrying her own life (or herself, really) is a bit silly or sad or unthinkably fucking absurd, but listen to what she has to say:

‘Earlier this year I thought, “What is something I’ve always wanted to do?”, like a bucket list thing … and I thought, “I’ve always wanted to get married… I have a sense of universal intimacy, loving everything, life and people … so I thought, “I’m going to marry existence. That’s not too insane.”‘

Holly Tying the knot(s) with herself in Byron.

It is a bit insane, but this isn’t the first time someone has become their own personal ball ‘n’ chain. In 1993, an American woman named Linda Barker took herself down the aisle, and three years later NBA star Dennis Rodman followed suit… or rather dress. That was wordplay. In 2017, another woman named Linda—Linda Doktar—married herself on the Gold Coast in a ceremony that was all about ‘a deep honouring of [herself], healing and self-love.’

Now, while you crack your knuckles and prepare to write something scathing in the comments section we haven’t provided, allow me to blow your ever-luvin’ mind: I back this. I’m a proponent of marrying yourself. Do it. On a planet that’s overpopulated to the tune of about 6 billion, do we really need more heterosexuals getting married and starting families?

Jennifer aniston: perfectly content to be childless and single in the desert.

Everyone’s talking about recycling and reducing carbon footprints and abolishing single-use everything, but do you want to know what would really save the world? Fewer humans. Way fewer humans. Give it five years and the idea of conceiving children will be as vulgar as littering or not picking up after your dog.

Right now, marrying yourself—or sologamy—is a way to defy the conventional, oppressive notion that childless singledom is somehow a failure—or, as Holly put it, ‘it’s a statement and a revolution for women to show them, “If you want something, you can do it yourself.”‘ But in a few years, when keep-cups have failed us and we’re canoeing to work in our silver sunsuits, shacking up with yourself will be the new norm, and throwing rotten fruit at pregnant women will finally—FINALLY—be acceptable.

Just kidding. The act of marrying yourself is self-absorption in overload. Get a grip.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter