New Zealand Bans Kooks!

Finally, some goddamn good news!

As you probably know, New Zealand is currently experiencing a surge in Covid cases thanks to the highly infectious Delta strain. The country locked down after just one positive case, but in the weeks since the numbers have only kept climbing. Now you might be thinking, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you, you sick fuck? Covid cases aren’t a good thing.’ And I’d say to you, ‘Well, hold on, I’m getting there.’

The good news is that the New Zealand government has essentially banned kooks from surfing. Yes, seriously. Under their Level 3 restrictions, only certain sports and recreation is allowed and more granular rules are applied on a case-by-case basis. For surfing, those rules are as follows: ‘Surfing—if you are an experienced surfer, you can go to your local break. If you are not experienced, do not surf.’

If you don’t believe me, click this sentence and it will take you to the government page which outlines these rules.

So, while it’s obviously bad that New Zealand is having an outbreak, Kiwi surfers can delight in the fact it is now legal for them to call the cops on anyone they deem to be blowing it. While there’s no clear definition for what constitutes an ‘experienced surfer,’ I’m going to assume, at the very least, you need to be able to duck dive, go across a wave, and maybe even change direction. This might not sound like a piece of piss, but if NZ is anything like the NSW East Coast, this rules out about 50-per cent of the line-up.

Happy solitary surfing my kiwi brethren.


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