We’re a week into 2020 and the world is already a metaphoric dumpster fire.
Which makes getting out of bed just to go to some soul-sucking job for barely enough money to survive really hard. All the sober Januarys and carb-free diets don’t mean shit when you’re grinding out 40-plus-hour work weeks and trying to distract yourself from the overwhelming urge self-lobotomize. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You really want to harness some ‘new year—new you’ energy? Find a new job. Find a new job that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning and hum ‘Good Day Sunshine’.
We’ve scoured the Internet to bring you the following list of insane, life-changing career opportunities. Read on, and leave those latte-foaming, burger-flipping, paper hat-wearing days in the last decade.
Hot Dog! Ever dreamt of seeking your fortune where the highway meets the horizon? Do you follow loads of Instagram accounts that invoke the #vanlife hashtag? Yeah? Well, how do you feel about processed meat tubes? If your love of road tripping collides with a passion for beefy byproducts, you’re in luck! Oscar Meyer is currently seeking pilots for its iconic Weinermobile. Duties include cruising the country high-fiving hot dog fans, spreading the love like mustard from your phallic chariot while updating social media channels and liaising with local media. Enthusiasm and a college degree are a must—benefits and team apparel are provided.
Social Media Director. As the Insane Clown Posse said, ‘Fuckin’ social media, how does it work?’ Nobody really knows, and once you start to figure it out they change all the algorithms anyway. So if you have self-confidence, deft thumbs, and spend too much time staring at your phone, your career as a Head of Social awaits! Post stuff on Instagram, incite trolls on Twitter, and share stories to Facebook—how hard can it be? When in doubt just take a page from the George Costanza book of employment by acting busy and looking annoyed, and everyone will assume you’re taking care of business.
Reproductive Technician. Do you love animals? Like really love animals? If you said ‘hell yes,’ it’s time to set a course for Maine. Genex is hiring reproductive technicians—AKA door-to-door semen salesmen—to hit the road in New England’s northernmost reaches. Make stodgy Yankee farmers smile as their beef and dairy herds swell under your guiding hand. This is a part-time position, which means you’re gonna have plenty of time to pursue other dreams, like reviewing sensitive content or something.
Yes, you could be a Content Reviewer! Accenture is looking for Content Review Agents to ‘provide quality assurance and improve machine classifiers to ensure safety of the platform for all audience and cross-functional teams. Daily responsibilities include reviewing select content against the policies and training.’ The job description cautions candidates ‘must be comfortable reviewing sensitive content including graphic pornography, violence, drug use, child abuse etc.’ Translation: Watch terrifying shit, review it, and get paid. What’s not to love?
Professional Sleeper. Bedstuff maker Mattress Firm is enlisting Snoozeterns to lay around testing their wares while creating viral content. Your job would be to look happy in pyjamas while doing things like sharing sleep and relaxation tips, filming yourself sleeping and posting it on YouTube, making Instagram content, dreaming up hilarious mattress memes, and contributing copy to buyer’s guides. This is a rare chance to legally make a living laying on your back. Which is, of course, the world’s oldest profession.
Crime Scene Cleanup Technician. Aftermath, the aptly-named trauma cleaning and biohazard removal company, is always looking for fastidious folks with iron stomachs to clean up after unspeakable acts. Requiring just a diploma and driver’s license, Aftermath provides all the necessary training, so get ready to make memories erasing the indescribable.
Weed Trimmer. As legalization sweeps the United States and the marijuana industry expands into a multi-billion-dollar juggernaut, demand for meticulous bud manicurists is going through the greenhouse roof. Once the occupation of dready bros in patchwork pants trying to make enough cash to follow the next Phish tour, cannabis trimming has ascended to the level of legitimacy as hairdressers and massage therapists, but with a pungent air of mystery and danger.
Professional Influencer. When all else fails, embrace your inner narcissist and become a social media influencer! Lacking the followers? Pfft, there’s websites for that; just invest a few bucks in your future and you’ll be swimming in engagement in no time. Then all you have to do is curate your best life. Sure, it may cost a little to be at all the right places at just the right time, but with a little elbow (thumb) grease you’ll soon be cashing checks and living the good life with fresh sneakers, fancy trips, and permanently perfect latte foam art. ‘Fake it ‘til you make it’ never looked so hot.
Itinerant Weirdo. Who needs a job, anyway? Why buy into some late-stage capitalist bullshit and become a corporate wage slave when you can live life on your own terms—for free? What good is a 401K when the world’s gonna end soon anyway? Hygiene, fashion, and money are just social constructs! Throw society’s mores out the window. Food is plentiful when you’re not too picky, and home is wherever you fall down and don’t get right back up. Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired, go where you wanna go, and laugh out loud as everything inevitably falls to shit around us.