Kissing the Coronavirus


Erin was gonna review this book but then remembered her integrity and passed it to me.

To review a book, though, you first have to read it, and I have absolutely no intention of dragging myself through the 16-pages of M.J. Edwards’ Kissing the Coronavirus because I like myself too much. Obviously, it’s meant to be funny… Or is M.J. Edwards just saying that after the fact, like that director did when Showgirls became a laughingstock? Either way, it’s stupider than an ashtray on a motorcycle and I’m not reviewing it. Instead, I’m piecing together a collection of choice passages for you. First, though, the blurb:

She was supposed to cure the Coronavirus. Instead… she fell in love with it. Dr Alexa Ashingtonford is a part of a crack team of scientists tasked with finding the cure to the devastating Coronavirus. Little did she know she would end up falling in love with it, in this steamy viral-erotica. Kissing the Coronavirus is a steamy tale about forbidden love and dark desires come to life.

Jesus wept. You can tell it’s good because they said ‘steamy’ twice. In a nutshell, a lonely female scientist is aroused whenever she handles a vial containing the Coronavirus. One of her lab partners, Dr Gurtlychund, injects himself with a new vaccine, but something goes wrong (or right) and the virus takes over, turning Gurtlychund into a sexy green dude with nodules all over like Shrek. And then they fuck a bunch. Here’s the excerpts.

 

  • Alexa felt a rush of excitement every time she picked up the Corona sample, like a pulsating, erect penis, desperate to unleash its devastation on anyone who touched it.

 

  • Even the sound of the virus made her ovaries clash together like cymbals.

 

  • She tore open the box of samples and began running them on the samplometer. Each sample came up positive and each matched up with the results they had previously obtained from other samples they had sampled.

 

  • ‘Or should I ask… what you are?’
    ​He nodded, his bustling neck muscles contorting. ​‘Are you… the virus?’ ​
    ‘Yes,’ he said.
    ​‘You’re Coronavirus? COVID-19?’ ​
    ‘Yes.’ ​
    ‘What happened to Dr Gurtlychund?’ ​
    ‘I consumed him.’

 

  • The virus opened his hand and Alexa nestled her cheek into it. It was like laying on a warm, welcoming pillow. Soft and strong. Dreamy and happy. Some other nice things she couldn’t even describe. ​‘I’m sorry, Dr Gurtlychund,’ she whispered. ​‘He’s gone,’ said the virus. ‘I’m here now.’ ‘What’s your name?’ she asked. ​‘Call me Covid,’ he said.

 

  • Alexa edged back, pushing back until her back pushed back against the wall.

 

  • His tongue, so soft and hot, like a chunk of microwaved fish, sloshing around inside her mouth.

 

  • And he spun her over, clamping his hands down on her ass, spreading her cheeks wide so he could thrust his warbling member deep into her pocket of ecstasy.

 

  • Alexa’s heart fluttered like it had the time she fucked the farmer’s cross-eyed son and uncrossed them.

 

  • A firm hand cracked against her ass and Covid grunted like a thunderclap. He filled her with love lotion, which oozed out instantly and spread right across the floor…

 

  • She had listened to her heart, and vagina, and allowed herself to succumb to Covid’s charm. She had ignored what her head had said, the dread, and instead… she had embraced love.

 

  • She looked up at him. His eyes were striking, like a goat’s, but without the sideways pupils. 

I guess you’re welcome? Get your own copy of Kissing the Coronavirus here for 99 cents.

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