Kelly Slater V Elon Musk

A few months back, the protagonist of every tech bro’s wet dream, Elon Musk, dumped $1.5 billion into Bitcoin along with an announcement his company, Tesla, would accept the cryptocurrency as payment.

This week Musk has backtracked on his promise and announced the car company for rich, white elites who ‘care about the planet’ will no longer take crypto payments. Musk said this is due to Bitcoin’s negative impact on the environment due to the vast amounts of energy (mostly derived from fossil fuels) required to ‘mine’ Bitcoin. Currently, the amount of energy used to mine Bitcoin is far greater than the energy requirement of several countries including Ireland and Argentina.

Some speculated this public announcement and shift could see Musk come under fire from the law for market manipulation—as such announcements rapidly alter market values. Elon, however, has much bigger concerns than the Securities and Exchange Commission. Internet addict, 21st-century philosopher, and 11x surfing World Champion, Kelly Slater, came in hot on Instagram yesterday to denigrate the Bitcoin bandit for his backflip.

‘So a guy who owns an energy company doesn’t understand this stuff before he buys it? Has no problem taking the profits,’ Kelly said on his Instagram story. ‘Does he have an issue with kids mining cobalt in the Democratic Republic of Congo to build batteries? He could probably address and potentially help solve the real energy issues (68 per cent of the energy produced in the US, for instance, is wasted … seems like a bigger issue to me which would solve any BTC problem). I think Elon’s board and backers hate crypto and what it’s doing for the average investor and pressured him to put out a statement which they knew would inevitably tank bitcoin. I hope the SEC is taking a good look at this (and all of them who might be buying the dip today and this week in their private accounts). Interesting times. But Elon is bad for crypto.’

Since Musk’s announcement a week ago, the price of Bitcoin shaved off nearly a third of its value. Kelly also followed up with a post about ‘diamond handed bitcoin holders’ and ‘paper handed mfs’ which I’m led to believe means he’s in it for the long run—seemingly unphased by the drop. Also, as a final, yet important note: while cryptocurrencies may serve well as a speculative investment, they hold no value as a functional currency. More importantly, anyone who invests over $100 quickly sheds all of their friends and finds themselves perusing the darker orifices of Reddit on their Friday and Saturday nights.

Stay safe.

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