Fixing Potholes, One Penis at a Time


Words by Sam Hetherington

Local hero, Geoff Upson, didn’t always want to be a phallic artist when he grew up.

But here he is, drawing dicks on shitty roads in Auckland in an effort to force Auckland Transport to do something about the damaged roads. Disappointed with the level of service, the legend took to spray-painting large, neon green penises across pothole-ridden roads, because he figured someone would have to come out to clean it up, and in the process, fix the large hole in the fucking road.

Speaking to the NZ Herald, Upson said, ‘I never planned on doing this and it’s not something I plan on doing again, but there’s a point where I sort of feel I’m cornered. If I get results from doing things the proper way then this would never happen again.’

With phallic frustration growing, road safety campaigner Upson said he has spent over $400 a year on neon green spray-paint, and painted well over 100 dicks since 2018, according to Stuff NZ. A signature dick move if we’ve ever seen one.

The bloke even has a Facebook page dedicated to some of his best works and notable media coverage. Gaining a fair bit of support, one guy commented on a post saying, ‘Maybe we should start colouring them in each week when they aren’t getting fixed.’ Imagine: rainbow dicks everywhere.

Despite his vocal social media coverage, the roads were still slow to be repaired and Auckland Transport has urged people to report the penis painter to police if caught in the act. One Facebook user perfectly summarised the public’s road repair frustrations in a comment, ‘What a cock of shit.’

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