Did you know surfies are mad sooky la las?
Ask anyone who’s friends with a wave rider and they’ll tell you all about how much they whine and complain about pretty much fucking everything. ‘The surf’s flat. The wind’s onshore. There’s too many guys out. The Woozle sucks. I’ve got nasty rashes on my nipples and they sting when I have a hot shower. My legs got bitten off by a shark and now I can’t wear my Mick Fanning Bottle opener jandals.’ Wah wah wah, on and on it goes… For a subculture that prides itself on experiencing the joy of the ocean, you’d deadest think the sea was nothing more than a blow-up pool full of crying babies. However, when it comes to 100% full-blown mongo tanties, nobody does it better than the pros. Cases in point…
Freddy Pataccia Jr, Snapper Rocks
With one minute remaining in his heat against Adriano de Souza, and with a total heat score of 0.5 out of 20, Hawaiian Freddy Pataccia Jr takes off on a heap of shit wave to begin what will soon become famous as surfing’s most hilare tanty. After he stomps his board directly onto a rock, Freddy splishy-splashes the water saying lots of loud swears before sprinting up the beach straight past the competitor’s area, across the street and up to his hotel room on the eighth floor of a nearby apartment block… all while still wearing his comp rashie! What a naughty boy. Listen to commentator Ross Williams at the 15-second mark as he pleads with Freddy ‘Don’t do it!’ Classic spew.
Richie Collins, Huntington Beach
Richie Collins, an 80s Californian pro who shaped and painted his own boards, wore webbed gloves, had a flat top with an undercut, spoke openly about enjoying a good wank in interviews and who also happened to be a committed lifelong Christian, was once so angry at missing the score he needed to make his heat he stood on the beach in front of thousands of spectators and head-butted his board until it snapped in half. A fat rage to match the best of them.
Victor Ribas, Maldives
A much-loved character on tour in the 90s, tiny Brazillian Victor Ribas enjoyed beach tennis, salted BBQ’d meats and freesurfing in nothing but his skimpy black banana hammock. He also had quite a temper! Vic’s tanty nappy exploded with a big fuming cry baby poo in the Maldives one year after the judges whacked him with an interference call (basically ending any hope of his progressing through the event). Infuriated, Vic paddled in mid-heat, collected chunks of coral from along the shoreline and began hurling them directly at the judges at close range. Unfortunately, he missed them all and hit a photographer in the head instead, which saw him heavily fined by the ASP, but celebrated by magazine editors worldwide.
Bobby Martinez, New York
Is there anything better than hearing a post-heat interview with an athlete who just can’t fucking stand it anymore? If you answered ‘Yes there is,’ then allow me to steal a moment of your time for one of the great public dummy spits in pro surfing history. It features Californian Bobby Martinez having a good old spray about the governing body of the sport trying to turn surfing into a tennis tour. Keep in mind he’s just won his heat, which makes this tuna melt all the tastier. Bobby was immediately suspended from competition after this interview pending a disciplinary hearing that he never even went to ’cause the fucken legend retired before they could reprimand him. And see if you can catch the Denzel Training Day ‘Come on now!’ quote in there too. Positively vicious!
Dan Johnston, Winkipop
Lesser known, though no less talented than most of the prodigious junior surfers of the 90s, New Brighton’s Dan Johnston was once made so forlorn by his heat loss at small Winkipop that upon returning to shore, he didn’t bother to pick up his surfboard, which may not sound like much of a dummy spit until you find out he didn’t bother to take off his legrope either. This resulted in Dan walking all the way back over the low tide exposed reef, up the 60-odd stairs and through the carpark with his board dragging miserably on the ground behind him. A masterful show of quiet commitment to the tant.