It’s almost Father’s Day and, of course, you totally forgot about it.
Don’t feel bad—everyone forgets about it. The only reason I’ve remembered is because I got asked to write this gift guide for it. If I had a job where I didn’t have to write a father’s day gift guide, there’s no way I’d remember to call my dad up and thank him for teaching me to ride a bike, which was one of the worst days of my life, incidentally. It was on a hill outside our house, and every time I realized he wasn’t running along behind me holding the seat to steady the bike, I’d fall off. And I felt betrayed by him, especially because he laughed and took a photo of me crying and expressing my outrage at being betrayed. Isn’t that awful? Let’s buy that guy a fucking present…
Beer Brewing Kit
Find me the father who hasn’t considered brewing his own beer and I’ll show you a man who doesn’t have much of a drinking problem. My father purchased a brewing kit when I was a teen, and once every quarter he’d force the family to join his homebrew assembly line: my father filled the bottles, my sister placed the cap on the bottle, I pulled down on the lever that secured the cap, and my dad’s salivating best friend, Ross, placed the beer in the fridge. My mother didn’t want to be part of it because she had a life to lead. The beer tasted like a mixture of thinners and human piss, but it was homemade and perfectly palatable after you’d already consumed five or six professionally bottled beers. Great gift idea. Coopers do a good one, apparently.
If there’s one thing dads like, it’s an esky. Men are crazy about these things, which is odd when you consider how not-crazy they are about the big white esky plugged into the wall in the kitchen; they like what’s in it, sure, but they have no interest in cleaning or organizing it. A portable cooler, though, will make any dad happy, especially when he’s in the backyard hosing it out in preparation for a camping trip or day at the beach. Yeti Coolers are excellent. Top of the line. Check out their range at au.yeti.com
Socks may seem like a thoughtless present for your dad, but you can never have enough. Socks are the gift that keeps on giving, and a subscription to Fresh Sock Co. is the gift that literally keeps on giving every month. Let’s be honest, your dad’s life sucks. He didn’t marry Bridget Bardot, he still can’t afford a Porsche, and his penis hasn’t cooperated with him since 1987. Give the man a new pair of socks every month and brighten up his hopelessly miserable life. freshsockco.com
Fact: dads love pockets. Find me a dad who avoids pockets and I’ll show you a man who doesn’t know or love himself. Dads are the reason cargo shorts still exist, and because your dad almost definitely has enough cargo shorts to see him to the grave, I’d like to suggest you buy him a utility vest. A utility vest is next-level pocket-wear, and your dad has wanted one of these for years, but your mother won’t let him have it because she thinks he already has enough pockets and secrets as it is. This utility vest by Stan Ray is dope, or, to use your dad’s lingo, funky. stanray.com.au
This is seriously the best thing you can get your dad. If you get your father a pair of quality noise-cancelling headphones, expect to see your name up in lights at the reading of his will. Imagine how happy these things will make him. Pair them with The Eagles Greatest Hits and he’ll be over the fucking moon. Have a look at the ones Beats make. They’re the best, and Billie Eilish backs them. Who? beatsbydre.com
Even if your dad doesn’t surf, get him a surfboard. Just owning a surfboard will make him feel cool and free for the first time since you shot out his wife’s nether regions, so buying him one for Father’s Day is the least you could do. You’re never too old to learn to surf, and even if he doesn’t learn, a surfboard will look cool leaning in the corner of his shed. Check out the boards our mates at McTavish have got going. mctavish.com.au
Elizabeth Taylor’s Passion For Men
Don’t buy your dad some modern fragrance like Sauvage by Dior or Tom Ford’s Oud Wood. It’s not right. He’s not a teenage sex-pest and shouldn’t have to smell like one. Score him some cologne that’ll make him feel at home, something with musk and vetiver, something that says, ‘I smell like Elizabeth Taylor’s Passion… For Men.’ Failing that, get him a bottle of Fahrenheit. Or Jazz by Yves Saint Laurent. Or Joop! Homme. Get a bottle of Stinky Lizzy here.
If your dad does not have a shed, and you have several siblings with full-time jobs, pass the hat around and get your dad somewhere he can listen to The Eagles in peace while dissolving his innards with homebrew. Sheds aren’t cheap, but you can get him an entry-level, my-first-shed shed for, like, $300. It won’t be big enough to do much more than stand up in, but at least he’ll have somewhere to go and masturbate. You don’t think your dad masturbates? Believe me, he does, a lot. He’s probably at it right now. Check out the range of Wank Cubbies they have at Easy Shed.
Probably a bit late for jimmy-hats now, but it’s the thought that counts. P.s. Father’s Day is, like, Sunday or something.