It’s 9:35 PM EST, and I have a column about the political landscape of the United States to write.
Unfortunately, I started researching said column a few hours ago, and now I’m wine drunk and trying not to cry/throw my laptop through the window while hate-watching 200,000 years of evolution quickly unravel in real-time on an artificial digital landscape.
Trump and Biden are both holding town hall meetings tonight. Our recently-revealed-to-be $400,000,000 in debt president spent much of the town hall spouting his usual nonsense. Belching a fetid COVID cloud, he praised Q Anon and their work fighting pedophilia (there’s a hot steaming pile of Epstein-tinged hypocrisy here, but we’ll save that for a special report), supporting his freakishly religious/actual Handmaiden Supreme Court pick, and railing false statements about voter fraud. Biden, meanwhile, wore a mask and said stuff that was different than what Trump said, which, at this point, is frankly enough to make him presidential material… If only it were that easy.
What a week we’ve had!
Republican ‘influencers’ were caught on video urging voter suppression and repeating nonsensical conspiracy theories, while actual elected Republicans lambasted the president for the lunatic he is and read aloud the writing on the wall: the majority of rational thinking Americans are sick of this shit and headed to the polls to send the Grand Ol’ Party back to the incel Reddit subbasements they belong in. Change, it seems, is in the air.
Ooh, I almost sound optimistic there, don’t I? Just kidding.
Eight million. That’s how many cases of COVID have been logged in the good ol’ USA, with seventeen states surging harder than a teenage boy at the heavy petting zoo. 217,546 Americans have died so far, but none of them were Trump or Chris Christie or any other meaningful member of his cadre. How is this possible? Are lizard people real? Did you know that former vice president/all-time evil shit monster Dick Cheney has no pulse? My last column on this topic unintentionally had exactly 666 words. There’s a popular dating site called White Date for single folks seeking a ‘Europid vision.’ There’s a bacon-scented gun oil called ‘Liberal Tears.’ California Republicans are placing illegal fake ballot boxes all over the state to fool early voters into placing their votes in the wrong receptacle, and nobody seems to really give a shit. Oh, and fucking Ice Cube, who recently rapped about arresting a racist, corrupt Trump is now advising him on how to win over black voters.
So, yeah. Everything is fine.
Magnets, how do they work?
Look, I know I’m rambling. You want real juice? Check out Culture Warlords, Talia Lavin’s bananas new book where she catfishes white supremacists pretending to be either a gun-toting ‘Merica-lovin’ super-babe or super-relatable Nazi hate-bro. You can read all about it in the failing New York Times by clicking here, and if you’re lucky maybe we’ll even have our own exclusive Monster Children interview soon.
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This bottle is empty so I’ll shut up until next week and leave you with a new song from Stevie Wonder featuring Busta Rhymes because, shit, it’s 2020.