Have you ever sat on a train staring intensely at the person sitting opposite you as you ponder their scent, what underwear they may be wearing, or the type of giggle they’d emit if you were to tickle them softly on the backs of their knees with a curassow feather, only for them to turn around and say, ‘Hey, weirdo, what are you staring at? Why don’t you take a picture, it’ll last longer!’
Well, how are you supposed to then take a picture if you don’t have a camera, dummy?! Luckily for you, our 2020 camera guide will help make choosing a new camera a breeze; you’ll be out creating lasting memories in no-time. In the words of the great, Seymour “Sy” Parrish, ‘No one takes photographs of things they want to forget.’ Happy camera hunting!
The Pentax K-3 Mark III
Camera Level: Semi-Pro
If you like to shoot your shot in the dark, this camera is for you. After a year of hinting at its release, Ricoh has finally announced its flagship camera, the Pentax K-3 Mark III, which boasts a colossal top sensitivity of ISO 1,600,000. Essentially, this camera can pretty much take photos in pitch-black and will be a music photographer’s wet dream, capable of producing crisp, quality photos in various low-light situations. As the K-3 Mark III is in the final stage of development and won’t be available until late February 2021, we’ve decided to take a review from the forthcoming Adam Sandler movie (which also isn’t out, but has a review), and use that as our review of the Pentax K-3 Mark III.
I’m going to punch my TV, I just know it. Watching this will be torture. I’ll hate it. I can feel myself shaking with rage knowing how bad this movie will be. Why does he do it? Fucking Adam Sandler and that stupid voice. Take the invisible peg off your noise, dickhead. Never watch this movie when it comes out. I will, but you shouldn’t. It’s so bad, I already know it. I’ve started counting down the minutes in my head until this film ends. Hurry up, end credits. Fuck, I’m so mad right now. – Greg, Kentucky 1 star
The Fuji X-T4
Camera Level: Enthusiast
Who better to review the latest addition to the Fuji ‘X’ series, the Fuji X-T4, than the most legendary Ruff Ryder of all time, DMX? Take it away, X:
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (grrrrrrrr)
Uh, yeah don’t get it twisted
This Fuji X-T4 is mine, motherfucker, it’s not a fucking game.
Fuck, what you heard. It’s what you’re hearing (listen)
X-Trans CMOS 4 sensor (listen)
It’s mirrorless (listen)
Fuji X-T4 gon’ give it to ya
240 frames per second, Fuji X-T4 gon’ deliver to ya
Knock knock, 6.5 stops of image stabilization, it’s real
Wit the dials, shutter button and camera back all stainless steel
X gon’ give it to ya
Fuji X-T4, he gon’ give it to ya
Canon EOS R5
Camera Level: Pro
Firstly, a disclaimer: Selling your organs is illegal in Australia and the United States. However, if you want to get your hands on Canon’s latest addition to its mirrorless range, the impressive EOS R5, you may want to part way with a portion of your liver or a section of your intestines. A lung, perhaps? In China, a good, healthy kidney can fetch you around $8000, and let’s be honest, most folks can spare a kidney–they only clean your blood and rid the body of toxic waste.
Ok, so now you’ve got the cash to throw down on the EOS R5, however, will the camera live up to expectations and fill the gaping hole in your chest left by the lung you piffed on the black market?
Breathe easy, tiger. As a stills camera, the 45 MP full-frame EOS R5 is frankly Canon’s finest mirrorless camera ever. Period. Some industry folks are even calling the much-hyped R5 the world’s greatest mirrorless camera. And it’s easy to see why; the next-generation autofocus system is the best on market (not the black one), not to mention the R5 boasts the highest pixel rate for a camera ever, shooting 900 MP/s (45MP x 20 frames per second). You could literally take a frame by frame montage of a fly taking a dump on Mike Pence’s head, blow it up and hang it in the Fraenkel Gallery, full resolution. It’s also a more-than-capable hybrid option for those who like to dabble in shooting the movies, offering 8K 30p video, uncropped.
So, if you’re looking for an advanced pro camera that surpasses any other mirrorless cameras on the market, say sayonara to your spleen. This camera is well worth it.
Tissue Box Spy Camera
Camera Level: Spy
Let’s be honest, espionage is a messy job. Have you ever seen one of those 007 James Bond movies featuring the guy who likes haircuts, Daniel Craig? Well, the prick leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. I’m talking serious collateral damage. Who the hell cleans up the god-awful mess after a Moroccan communications centre gets blown to smithereens? I don’t know. Luckily for Daniel and the other messy spies of the world, there’s a nifty new invention made especially for filthy, dirty spies. Introducing, the Tissue Box Spy Camera!! Is it a tissue box or a spy camera? Surprise, it’s both! And surprise, I’ve been watching you whilst blowing my nose (spy lingo). The Tissue Box Spy Camera can record EVERYTHING with the high resolution of 1080P and is perfect for those messy spies who need to clean after they’ve been doing a spy. What’s even better, is the Tissue Box Spy Camera has a built-in motion sensor and can detect encroaching work colleagues so you don’t get caught mid-spy! That would be a mess!! Remember, if you do get caught spying, take your demons to the grave by ingesting the secret cyanide pill hidden in your fake tooth. The HR department won’t know what hit them!