Pray For Surf
Okay, so there are a few things we’re not allowed to talk about here.
It’s not written down or anything. That would mean we’re actually organised and on top of things. Which we are, we definitely are, so stop asking about that because we are. We’re organised and on top of things. We are, really. We are. But, yes, there are a few unwritten rules and such we follow here. Listen to the editor, don’t answer someone earnestly if they start talking to you about, “Literage,” and don’t be a dick. Always thank the sponsors. Realise the open bar is an invitation, but not towards destruction. Oh, and try not to write about this word: religion.
Your shoulders just shot up to your ears while reading that, didn’t they? Disable the comment section. Don’t share this one on social. You now have a meeting with human resources at eight in the morning on Monday, and they must want to hear the good news too. See, we’re not really supposed to talk about that one, religion. You know, the big man. Vishnu. Yahweh. The Buddha. Izanagi, Izanami, and Abraham, who is sort of the great, cross-party unifying candidate.
When it comes to surfing, we leave a whole lot up to faith. Faith that the wind won’t get on it. Faith that this time you will actually wake up for the dawn patrol on a Saturday morning that you promised to go to on Friday night. Faith you won’t get dropped in on a third time in a row, surely, right? For a surfer, a surfer in our blessed lineups, maybe the great unifier is god? Does he or she help you get more waves? Are they who you have to thank for finally sticking that frontside double-grab air? Or curse when you place your foot perfectly over a stingray?
We’re an eclectic bunch. Small lads and ladies with big, knobby feet, leathered torsos, and skewed expectations. Oddballs hooked on their own book one way or another. Some believers, some non-believers. And yet, we always look up to someone. That wizened preacher of style at your locale. The digital icon who may as well be anointed into sainthood in your head canon and YouTube search history. The yellow jersey wearer on the World Tour, or whatever.
But who do they look up to? Maybe they have a friend upstairs who they praise and in return got some earthly kickbacks. It’s about time we figured out how much celestial help these individuals have been having over the years. Surfing, swell charts, and the word may take faith. But graphs? Graphs tell the truth.
Now, just note that positioning on the godliness matrix up above has been decided on only the most esteemed scientific data at our disposal. Frequency of Sign of the Cross claims on competition broadcasts, starting an interview with a, “First off, I’d like to thank my lord and saviour…,” and mentions of “God” in their social media bios. Second-hand interviews. Wikipedia. Offhand insider slander. Being old enough to remember In God’s Hands (1998), encounters after office hours, and lineup shit chatting about the general vibe.
Firstly, let’s look at a believer: Clifton James Hobgood. Fearless and faithful it’ll all work out on Teahupoo walls, starring in blowing-out-your-speakers flicks, and all while being a card-carrying member of the Christian surfers movement. Then, Gabriel Medina, a man who typed out Philippians 4:13 in the “caption” section of Instagram before posting one of the most liked photos of all time.
But then, you have Creed. Maybe not a lot of god, but certainly a lot of good times. The lovely Mr. Mctaggart’s video sections may leave you giving a hand up high, open-palm exaltation at your desk, but he’s more of a “I can do this on my own” type, thanks. Besides, who needs a god to worship when you have a quiver stocked full of seven-foot-plus Dahlbergs worthy of their own praise?
Kelly Slater, however, believes in making things happen. And, well, you see, gods make things happen, and Kelly Slater makes a shed load of things happen on a wave. And when he doesn’t have a wave? He makes one. Is he perfect? Is he god? If Kelly Slater is god and he is perfect then that means being bald is perfect and if there’s one thing the Bible taught me in all those years of Catholic school it’s that god will present you with some pretty hard truths, and maybe bald being good is just one I’m not ready to accept yet. Kelly Slater believes in nothing other than himself, and that’s the most important thing, believing in yourself.