By the time I was able to round up all four Pist Idiot members, I could have opened my own kebab shop.
I have many memories of kebabs, mostly from when I was 18-years-old, and they’re not necessarily good ones. After a long night a sinking piss (drinking alcohol), a kebab shop was always the final stop of the night. No matter how drunk you were, a kebab always seemed to help you over the finish line. Until the next morning, that is. I have a theory that kebabs worsen your hangover, and guarantee you a morning on the shitter. Four guys who have no such problems with the traditional middle eastern cuisine are the Pist Idiots.
It’s rumoured the Pist Idiots have eaten more kebabs than any other Australian band in history. In fact, at this year’s Sydney Laneway Festival the band opened their very own kebab truck. Which got me thinking… where does a kebab-pro go to eat their kebabs in our fair city? And THE GREAT SYDNEY KEBAB CRAWL was born. Although there are thousands of kebab shops out there, these are Sydney’s top five according to the Pist Idiots. So, crack a beer or 12 and go visit them!
Boss Kebabs – Marrickville
The Great Sydney Kebab Crawl begins in the heart of Marrickville at Boss Kebabs, with special guest Toby Cregan (Skeggs). Kebab lingo to familiarise yourself with: ‘Mixed’ is all possible meat options, usually beef and chicken. ’The lot’ is lettuce, onion, tomato, cheese and tabouli.
Sniff – Chicken w/ the lot. Garlic, chilli and BBQ sauce.
Jono – Chicken + falafel w/ the lot. Garlic, hummus and chilli sauce.
Joe – Chicken w/ the lot. Chilli and garlic sauce.
Tom – Mixed w/ the lo. Garlic, BBQ and chilli sauce.
Toby – Mixed w/ the lot. BBQ sauce.
What keeps bringing you back to Boss Kebabs?
Jack – The bathroom has a bidet.
Jono – Boss Kebabs is in a prime location; it’s in the heart of Marrickville.
Joe – I like how it’s next to a park—you can watch all the fit and active people while you stuff your face full of kebab.
Tom – There’s a subtle smell of a decaying animal and it’s underneath a Chinese elk tree.
Like the sickos they are, the boys finished their evening with a ‘mystery dessert’ from the servo next door which consisted of choc-chip cookies and a packet of Cheeto-puffs. Mid-desert, the night literally turned to shit for Tom who decided it was a good idea to relieve himself in a nearby trench/drainage system. Upon returning, Tom submerged his foot into stagnant sewage glug. Gagging at the smell, he ran to the bathroom to blast his shit-covered shoe with the bidet. This is by far one of the stankiest photos I’ve ever taken.
Brothers Kebabs – Annandale
Located on along the main vein of Sydney, Parramatta Road, Brothers Kebabs is easy to miss unless you’re a trained kebab killer like the Pist Idiots. No falafel is safe.
Jack – Chicken add falafel w/lot. Garlic, chilli and BBQ sauce.
Jono – Chicken add falafel w/lot. Chilli, garlic, hummus.
Tom – Mixed w/ lot. Garlic, BBQ and chilli sauce. Added falafel as side dish*
Added extras: One baklava each.
What keeps bringing you back to Brothers Kebabs?
Jack – The falafel and cold salad.
Jono – The falafel, 5-star service and they don’t hold back on the size. Size really does matter.
Tom – The falafel. It feels good eating a kebab next to a highway; you can taste the diesel. Did we mention the falafel?
Kebab Pide Pizza House – Dulwich Hill
On this fateful night, the Pist Idiots completed not one but two kebab shops. This one literally pushed some of us to the point of explosion.
Sniff – same as always.
Jono – same as always.
Joe – falafel w/ lot no tomato. Hummus, chilli, garlic sauce.
Tom – same as always.
What keeps bringing you back?
Jack – Besides the husband-wife duo, it’s just an all-round clean and well-proportioned kebab.
Jono – It all comes down to the hot and cold factor. The meat is hot but the salad is cold, that’s what makes a kebab. Plus the crispiness yet softness of the bread. They’ve left me wanting more.
Joe – It’s a kebab you can have when you’re not drunk.
Tom – I’ve got a long history with this place; it’s a nostalgia thing. It makes my palette sweat every time I drive through Dulwich Hill. Much respect to them closing at 9:30, they don’t care about feeding the drunks.
After a long discussion, the boys agreed that this store was their favourite of the tour thus far. To celebrate, they finished off their kebabs with a cigarette. Yum yum yum. Between shop 3 and 4 we pulled into The Crocodile Farm Hotel in Ashfield. Unfortunately, the famous crocodile (a prop from crocodile Dundee) wasn’t there but the tunes were good and the beers were cold. After blowing some cash on the brickies laptop (the pokies) it was time for Metro One.
Metro One Kebab – Ashfield
Sniff – Regular snack pack chicken, tabouli, cheese. Garlic, chilli, BBQ sauce.
Jon – Small snack pack, chicken tabouli, + ‘the trinity’.
Tom/Joe – Large mixed cheese, snack pack, BBQ, Chilli, garlic.
Added extras: Gözleme and baklavas
What keeps bringing you back?
Jack – Quantity over quality. I like the artwork on the walls too.
Jon – Could not answer due to throwing up*
Tom – Literally nothing.
Joe – The shop fit-out and the gözleme. They take pride in their HSP (Halal Snack Pack). There’s a $60 snack pack which is unheard of.
Even for the kebab lords themselves, two shops in one night really pushed the boys to their limits. For the final leg of the tour, we returned to the home of the kebab: Bankstown. Being only minutes from where Pist Idiots grew up, there was plenty of hype for our final feast. And, boy, did we feast. Located between a bottle shop and gun shop, TC Brothers is the perfect stop for a delicious, minor heart attack. As we ate our food in the bottle shop carpark, the boys reminisced on times gone by at TC Brothers, back when they were raucous teenagers.
TC Brothers Kebabs and Pizza – Bankstown
Sniff – Mixed w/lot the usual sauces.
Jon – Chicken w/lot, the usual sauces.
Tom – Mixed w/ lot, no tabouli, the usual sauces.
Joe – Chicken w/lot, no tomato, the usual sauces.
Added extras: baklavas, 1 x family BBQ meat lovers pizza.
What keeps bringing you back?
Sniff – The memories. Plus the girth of the kebabs and pizza.
Joe – The pizza. Even though it’s a BBQ meat-lovers, it’s somehow sweet. The BBQ sauce is basically maple syrup.
Jon – It’s the perfect late-night booty call. The thought of calling up and getting it at any time, there’s no better thing.
Tom – I won’t be back for another ten years.
And that was that. A bitter, sweet, salty, and delicious end to four weeks of touring Sydney’s best kebab shops. Although our stomachs were happy the tour was over, we were sad our weekly dose of banter and tom-foolery was over too. At the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about: grabbing a beer and dinner with your mates and having a laugh. So get out there, you falafel heads.
Stay tuned for the Pist Idiots’ Top 5 Acai Bowl Spots… nah, just kidding.