It’s the holiday season and that means getting together with your family for the obligatory exchanging of gifts and fighting about shit that happened in 2006.
And while the tearful conflict and icy silences are easy to initiate, the procuring of gifts is another emotional minefield completely. What, if anything, to get those ungrateful, emotionally-hamstrung, self-centred bastards? With this in mind, we’ve had a sniff around and found a handful of failsafe holiday gift ideas that will not only help you move forward, past dinner, out to your car and driving home to sanity, but will also make you the coolest, most thoughtful person in the fam for the next twelve months.
Vinyl Me, Please
Vinyl Me, Please is almost too good to be true. We traded an MC subscription for a subscription to Vinyl Me, Please and we’ve gotta come clean to our friends over there: you guys got massively ripped off. A record—sent to our office—every single month in exchange for our mag sent once a quarter. They say a sucker is born every minute and this might be proof. Get a VMP subscription for someone you really like this Christmas, ‘cause it’s one of the best subscriptions out there (second only to Monster Children, of course).
Do you have a surf rat in your brood? If you’re not sure, look for someone with the red-rimmed eyes and an overly relaxed attitude. They may appear to be chilling out to death, or they might pepper their sentences with words like ‘dude’ and ‘frothin’ or claim to have a table for one permanently reserved in the ‘green room’. If you have a surfer in your family, this is the gift for them. The Hurley Windskin is a 1.5mm Exoflex Smoothskin surf vest made from 80 per cent neoprene and 20 per cent nylon and featuring clean-finished cuffs, flat-lock construction, and boardshort attachment. What does that mean? Ask your surfy relative when you give it to them.
This is a great gift idea for that special stinky, dirty person in your life. Kelsen is a new product range founded by pro skaters Curren Caples and Sean Malto, and pro surfers Jack Freestone and Mikey February, who are all too bloody good for Irish Spring®, apparently. ‘We felt existing brands in this category didn’t really appeal to us or inspire us, creatively or otherwise,’ said Caples while washing his glimmering, golden locks with the Kelsen 2-in-1 shampoo and body wash. ‘We wanted to create something we could really stand behind.’ The range currently includes a light-hold pomade, conditioner, and the aforementioned 2-in-1. All Kelsen products are top-rated by The Good Face Project, PETA, and are 100 per cent micro-plastic free. Plus, Kelsen will donate one per cent of sales to the 1% For the Planet project, which is pretty cool if you like planet earth.
Monster Children T-Shirts
We made some new t-shirts! One has a cowboy on it, one features death metal writing, and another one says ‘Priest 2 Meet U’ because why not? All three t-shirts have requisite holes for your heads and arms, and of course, the big hole at the bottom for your trunk. Warning: None of these t-shirts are is pants. They could be a scarf, but never pants. Blah, blah, blah, t-shirts!
Burton Frostner Anorak
Burton is now a certified B-Corporation. Do you know what that means? Shut up, no you don’t. It means they’re officially meeting high standards for sustainability, social responsibility, transparency, and holding themselves accountable. It means they care about the big picture and are only engaging in practices that are good for the world. 3,000 companies worldwide are B-Corp certified, but Burton is the first snowboarding company, which makes them the best company. Now look at this Frostner Anorak they made. It’s rad. Buy one, you bum.
Leatherman Custom Shop
What better way to say, ‘I love you,’ than with the gift of a Leatherman—and now you can make your own bespoke Leatherman at the Leatherman Custom Shop! Customise your Leatherman with designs, pictures, messages and more, to create a true original that says, ‘I love you,’ to that special person in your life. The process is simple, just upload your design and let the robots do the rest. Customised Leatherman at your door within one to two weeks.
Sunday Supply Co. Beach Chairs
You know what I like about Sunday Supply Co. Beach Chairs? They’re putting a modern twist on an old favourite. Some beach chair companies will take a new favourite and put an old twist on it, but no one wants that, and no one wants to sit directly on the sand when they go to the beach either. Sure, you could put a towel between your butt and the sand, but the sand will get on the towel eventually, and your day at the beach will be completely ruined and you’ll say bad things about God for inventing sand. You may as well get a chair to sit on—and an umbrella while you’re at it! Available in twelve different styles and patterns, Sunday Supply’s new range of beach chairs come with matching umbrellas and are set to make a statement at the beach this summer. What kind of statement? Probably something like, ‘Sucked in, everyone without a beach chair.’
Beats by Dre: Solo Pro
This is a terrific gift for a belligerent sister, brother, or even a parent who’s angry at you for not becoming a lawyer. The Solo Pro is Beats first on-ear, noise-cancelling headphone and it’s amazing. Here’s the stats: upgraded ergonomics for comfortable fit, pure ANC for detecting and blocking ambient noise (not just on an airplane, but also in noisy cafés, busy offices and the like), improved durability and intuitive ear cup controls, twenty-two-hours of battery life (plus ‘Fast Fuel’, a feature that gives you three-hours of playback after just ten minutes of charging), and Apple H1 chip power for a faster and more stable wireless connection to your devices. Important to note that all Beats headphones are powered by the Apple W1 and H1 chips, including Solo Pro, Powerbeats Pro, Studio3 Wireless, BeatsX and Powerbeats3 Wireless. These headphones are awesome. Screw your family—get them for yourself.
Brixton & Chevy™
Do you have a dad, uncle, cousin, brother, or aunty who is super into cars and shit like that? You do? Well, that’s excellent news because Brixton have teamed up with the legendary automobile manufacturer—and heartbeat of America—Chevrolet™ to create a limited-edition collection of threads featuring logos, scripts, and tag lines from the Chevy™ vault. The collection draws on three different eras of Chevy’s legacy, and includes hoodies, long-sleeves, tees, vests, caps, beanies, flannels, jackets, and at least one pair of overalls. So, if someone in your family has black stuff under their fingernails and smells a bit like petrol, Brixton and Chevy™ have made finding them a holiday gift that much easier.
Good Pair Days
Good Pair Days is a personalised monthly wine club. Starting at three bottles, tailored to your taste, delivered to your door, cancel anytime. We’ll deliver them to your door (Australia wide), along with tasting cards, food pairings, matching recipes and surprise gift or two. They’re doing special Christmas packs, surprise boxes, and summer themed packs.
Nothing says Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Jolly Kwanzaa like the gift of quality denim. And if that denim has been artfully crafted into a jacket or pair of jeans, even better. The premium denim brand Neuw Denim makes jeans for young musicians, artists, makers, creators, and destroyers. My cousin is in a band called Billy Zane’s Foreskin, so, naturally, I scored him a pair of black Neuw Denim jeans for Christmas because he’s the kind of person that will appreciate the quality and cut of these duds. I imagine the whole band will be wearing Neuw Denim by the end of the year. Maybe they’ll even write a song about Neuw Denim. Right now, they have a song called ‘Choke the Snake’ which is about cultural imperialism and the growing influence of the United States and its commercial media machine and how it compels other countries to adopt its hazardous socioeconomic system. But it’s also about wanking.
Fender’s American Ultra Stratocaster® HSS
This is another gift you should just get for yourself. Fender’s new American Ultra Series is their most advanced series of guitars and basses, made for players who care about precision, performance and tone. The American Ultra Stratocaster HSS (pictured), is our pick of the bunch, and features a unique ‘Modern D’ neck profile with Ultra rolled fingerboard edges for hours of playing comfort, tapered neck heel for easy access to the highest register, a speedy 10”-14” compound-radius fingerboard with twenty-two medium-jumbo frets for effortless and accurate soloing, Ultra Noiseless™ Hot single-coil pickups and Ultra Double Tap™ humbucking pickup, and advanced wiring options that provide endless tonal possibilities—without the dreaded hum. This versatile, state-of-the-art instrument will inspire you to push your playing to new heights, and if none of that made sense, all the more reason to buy this thing and become a guitar nerd and/or god.
These Byron Bay-based hippies make terrific threads, and they make them from the Devil’s hedge clippings, if you can believe that, which you probably can because it’s been done before—but has it ever looked this good? No, it hasn’t. Hemp fashion has traditionally looked like shit, as far as this writer-slash-reggae-despiser is concerned, but these no-good longhairs have finally got it right: good looking threads made from the same stuff they make jazz cigarettes with. And the Afends range of hemp-based clobber doesn’t just look good, it’s also leading the charge in sustainable fashion. Afends aim to be environmentally and socio-economically sustainable in all facets of their company, from product conception to customer experience, and all the stuff in-between. These dirty hippies aim to drive action, cultivate change and continually innovate new ways to becoming more sustainable. God bless ’em.
Nixon: Regulus SS
Do you have a friend or family member who doesn’t have a cellular phone and can’t tell time by looking at the sun? You do? Well, get THAT motherfucker a watch! Watches are great. They just sit there on your wrist and wait for you to look at them so they can say, ‘Hey guy, it’s 3:47’ or if your name is Rudy they’ll say, ‘Rudy? How did you land such a dog-ass name? P.s. it’s 6:32.’ Watches are the best. They’re awesome. And they’re making a massive comeback, thanks to the public’s shifting view and demonisation of cellphones. Have you ever thought how weird it would be if you went into a coma in 2004 and came out of it today with everyone staring at their phones everywhere you look? It’s fucking Orwellian, Rudy, and people are finally waking up to it and buying wristwatches so they can avoid pulling the evil black rectangle out of their pocket and getting sucked in. The Nixon Regulus SS in black. Buy this before life passes you by.
MC Russian Hoodie
It’s a black hoodie with ‘Monster Children’ in Russian printed on it. What else do you need to know? It has drawstrings, a hood, and holes for the head, arms and torso. It’s super-cosy, and if you pull the drawstrings as tight as you can it feels like nighttime.
Move resets the bar from what you’d expect from a portable speaker, with smart, adaptable sound, surprisingly deep bass and a wide sound profile. Perfectly suited for indoor listening of The Drabs, Move is two smart speakers in one. Featuring powerful wireless range, Move is a full part of the Sonos system, even at the furthest corners of your backyard, down past the lemon tree. Move is Sonos’ first product with Bluetooth audio streaming, making it simple to play audio directly from a phone or tablet. Why not buy this for your cousin? Probably a little extravagant for a cousin, but imagine how nice they’ll be to you when they suspect you’re terminally ill!
Monster Children Subscription
You’ve probably been thinking about buying an MC subscription for someone you love this Christmas, and if you haven’t, you are now because I just put the idea in your head with the magic power of words. Here’s another idea for you: flush a bag of grapes down the toilet while singing ‘Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Daa’. There, now that’s inside your head. Subscribe for a loved one today!
Clean Ocean Foundation Australia developed an open-source surf wax formula—shaped exactly like a pig’s cock—that’s capable of reversing the damage Climate Change has done to the world’s oceans. The innovative formula contains a natural substance that neutralises the harmful acids found in the ocean, and studies have shown that the key to making a noticeable change is to microdose the ocean gradually over time to avoid throwing off its natural balance. This makes surfers the perfect group to administer the solution, so get yourself some Smart Wax shaped like a pig’s cock today and start reversing the damage.