As much as I hate the word ‘fantasy’ (and ‘panties’ while we’re on the subject), I have this fantasy where I’m walking at night and a speeding car throws a suitcase out the window.
The suitcase slides into the gutter, and the car disappears around the corner. Then a cop car speeds after them and also disappears. The street is silent. I pick up the suitcase, go home and jimmy it open. It is filled with panties. Kidding—it’s full of cash. I’ve been fantasizing about this scenario since I was a kid, but it still hasn’t happened. Here’s some good news, though: next week I’m going to win that $150 Million Powerball jackpot! You know why? Because I never, ever buy lottery tickets, which means I will definitely win if I do. Which I will. Then again, maybe YOU will! Here’s what to do if you do, you lucky bugger.
Maintain Anonymity: The first thing you wanna do is make sure no one knows you won. Don’t tell a soul. Not even your mum. Especially not your mum. Don’t tell your mum, your best friend, your partner, your dog, the wind, no one. It’ll be really hard to keep it to yourself, but it’ll be even harder to hide from all those unfortunate bastards once they catch wind and start turning up on your lawn asking for a goddamn hand-out. Scum.
Delete Facebook: It’s almost guaranteed your name will be leaked by someone working for the lottery, so I recommend you delete your Facebook account, Instagram, and any other platforms that have your name and details all over it. Do not ‘deactivate’ these accounts—DELETE them. Get rid of them. Otherwise, you’re going to wake up with beggars fogging up the windows with their rank, rotten-tooth, nicotine coloured, poor person breath.
Break Up With Your Partner: Even if you haven’t been having doubts about your relationship, now is the time to terminate it. Get rid of them. You’re entering a new world, a new echelon of society that has way hotter people that smell better and have nicer underwear, and you don’t want to miss out having sex with them. ‘Oh, but that’s terrible, Crom!’ Is it? Is it really? Ditch that no good, broke-ass bitch/bastard.
Change Your Phone Number & Email Address: Change your phone number and keep it unlisted. Change your email and only share it with your financial manager. Also…
Get A Finance Manager: Get someone to look after your money. You can’t do it—you were poor five minutes ago, dummy. Get a financial manager and then employ a private investigator to keep tabs on that thieving piece of shit. Play it safe and get a second P.I. to watch both of those treacherous, double-dealing sons of bitches. You can’t trust anyone when you’re rich. Everyone is scum.
Keep Going to Work: Winning $150,000,000 means you can walk into the office and curl a hot turd out on the boss’ desk, right? Wrong. Huge mistake. Just keep going in and doing the absolute bare minimum until they fire you. That’s the only way to get out of it. You can’t quit—everyone will wonder what you’re up to. Just assume a haughty, belligerent attitude and annoy everyone until you get that sack. ‘Have you finished that report, Johnson?’ ‘I haven’t, actually. I don’t know that I ever will. Hahaha. That’s lunch.’
Don’t Make Crazy Purchases: When you win the lottery, you might be tempted to buy a solid gold Harley Davidson with panda-skin upholstery, but right now you need to chill-the-fuck-out and keep a low profile. Even one pricey purchase could signal a lifestyle overhaul, and then you’re screwed. Those moneygrubbers will be lining up around the block trying to get their greasy peasant paws on your loot. ‘Boo-hoo,’ they’ll say, ‘I’ve no legs and have been subsisting on home-brand dog food since 1997.’ They’ll be clawing at your clothes when they say this, and there will be spittle. ‘Gimmie, gimmie,’ they’ll say.
Good luck! The draw is tomorrow, I think. Not sure. Whatever. No one wins these things, anyway, right? Why bother. Pffft.