Actors Who Can’t Help But Rock!

Rock stars sometimes act, and we’re all okay with that, even if they suck. But when actors try to be rock stars? That’s a one-way ticket to Cringe-Till-You-Shit-Your-Pants City.

They just don’t do it well, actors, and I think I know why: we don’t believe them. They’re dramatists, professional fakers, and when they try to get all emotional and human with a microphone, they just come off as big fat liars. And wankers. Big, fat lying wankers. Also, they have to know that we know that they’re only trying to get more attention, the fat wankers. Anyway, let’s mercilessly ridicule seven of them. It’s not like they’re real people with feelings.

‘Main Attraction’ Jeremy Renner: Hey, Jeremy Renner, just be satisfied with being a good actor. You trying to have a career as a rock star is like a brain surgeon deciding to moonlight as a pediatrist. P.s. didn’t you cop enough flack for your ‘Jeremy Renner app’ recently? Also, what the fuck was that app even for? Maybe wait till the mushrooms wear off before making big decisions. You could’ve used the money you funneled into that app—plus the cash you spent on this video, which looks like a commercial for a fragrance called ‘Jizz by Jeremy Renner’—and just bought yourself a giant, rotating plinth in the middle of Times Square so everyone could look at you.

Russell Crowe and 30 Odd Foot of Grunts: Rusty is a legit dude. He lets me and my elderly Chinese friends fish off his wharf in Woolloomooloo. He’s also a brilliant actor and an Oscar winner. However, he’s negating all those distinctions and bringing shame to his family by fronting a band. Rusty, I’m sorry, but I just can’t accept you as the lead singer of anything. Please, don’t sing. Don’t even whistle. It’s not right. Also, please don’t come down to the wharf and throw a phone at my head.

Jada Pinket Smith and Wicked Wisdom: No. Fucking. Way. Not a thing. If you’re bored, take up pottery, not Rage Against the Machine. The members of this band are technically amazing, but they were obviously cherry-picked for the project by someone who kisses the Smith family’s arse for a living. Jada’s bio reads ‘actress, comedian, singer-songwriter, screenwriter, and businesswoman.’ No. You do not get to do all those things unless you’re Donald Glover, and you are not Donald Glover. You are a weirdo.

Johnny Depp (band/song): I try not to fuck with Johnny Depp these days. Besides the fact he’s been having a really rough time the last few years, he’s also just a super-easy target, and I don’t take pot-shots at easy targets… Unless they look like Keith Richards’ hatrack, which Johnny Depp does, so let’s get him! Hey, Johnny Depp—stop turning up everywhere with your guitar and making everything corny. Just keep fighting your war on suspension of disbelief and shopping at Scarf World, you turd.

McCaulay Culkin and The Pizza Underground: I can almost back this because it’s obviously just a bit of fun, but guess what—no one’s having fun but McCaulay Culkin and his buddies. P.s. Lou Reed is turning in his grave like a lathe. Nice goin’. Just stick to being famous for being really cute but then growing into something that looks like it was cut out of Kid Rock’s stomach. That’s your thing.

Jared Leto and Thirty Seconds to Mars: This band is actually pretty good if you’re into that kind of thing, and Jared Leto is actually a genuinely talented frontman. Also, 30 Seconds to Mars has a massive fanbase that refers to itself as ‘Echelon,’ which is pretty cool—only it isn’t, and everything about this sucks fat, chapped hippopotamus balls.

Brie Larson and Brie Larson: The not-yet-famous Brie Larson hedged her bets back in 2005 by releasing a pop album called Finally Out of PE. You can track this record down by Shazaming a fart.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter