Hmm… With Crom


This new (and probably short-lived) column is called Hmm…, as in, ‘Hmm, I’m not sure how I feel about that.’ In it, I’ll be highlighting some things I’m a bit Hmm… about.

For some of you, the Hmm‘s below will be right on the money. For others, though, the things I’m Hmm… about will upset you, and you might even write me an email to explain how I am wrong. Please do that because there’s nothing I like better than receiving mail, hate or otherwise. Hmm… Let’s get started.

Jordan Peterson

I’m a little bit Hmm… about Jordan Peterson. Everything he says seems to make perfect sense, but then a lot of it strikes me as a bit mean or unfair. If you’re not familiar with Peterson, he’s a Canadian Psychologist who gets regularly attacked by feminists and libertarians because some of his views aren’t very inclusive. He’s intelligent, highly articulate, and he has the patience of the Dalia Lama on a Nyquil bender, so what he says appears to be reasoned and logical. But then I’m like, ‘Hmm… are his seemingly rational and acceptable ideas just a Trojan horse for more hateful ideas he keeps hidden behind those unquestionably hateful eyes?’ Does he seem like a cunt? Hmm…

 

Greta Van Fleet

I know, how could I be even remotely Hmm… about these burglar bastards? I haven’t thrown a punch since Fleet Week 2004, but I’d happily go helicopter on these twits because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s plagiarism. It sickens me. I put plagiarists on the same scum-tier as pedophiles and people who like Two and a Half Men, and these turkeys are blatantly, unabashedly ripping off the greatest rock band ever after AC/DC: Led Zeppelin. And yet, that ‘Highway Tune’ is so utterly ZEP-TASTIC, I wish Zeppelin had written and recorded it so I can enjoy it without feeling like I’m wanking with Jimmy Page’s tears. Hmm…

 

Trump

I hate that I just typed those five disgusting letters into one of my articles, but there’s something I’m a bit Hmm… about with Trump, and that’s the theory that he’s an idiot. I’m positive he’s a greedy, unfeeling, self-serving asshole, but an idiot? I’m not so sure. Years ago, Elizabeth Hurley said something like, ‘I don’t mind if people underestimate my intelligence–it just makes it easier for me to do the unexpected,’ and I think that might be Trump’s trick. You think he’s stupid, but he’s actually very cunning, and part of that cunning might be convincing you he isn’t cunning at all. Case in point: he was the only guest on the Ali G Show to figure it was a piss-take. Watch how fast he gets a read on the situation in the video below. Hmm…

 

Female Teachers with French Surnames Having Affairs with Students

Seattle High School teacher Mary Kay Letourneau, thirty-two, total babe, had an affair with a thirteen-year-old student. Debra Lafave, Floridian High School teacher and super-fox, aged twenty-three, had an affair with a fourteen-year-old student. Lisa Lavoie, a teacher from Holyoke, Massachusetts, aged twenty-something, coulda been a model, had a love affair with a fourteen-year-old student. I could go on. I won’t, but I could. There are hundreds of them. Which makes me think, Hmm… What’s up with hot female school teachers with French surnames interfering with male students? Also, why didn’t my English teacher, Miss Beauchêne, trespass upon me? Hmm…

 

Music Snobbery

I’ve got two Morrissey tattoos, so far be it from to make anyone feel bad about their taste in music. But dumb tattoos or not, what right do I or anyone have to criticize someone’s taste in music? I don’t like Justin Bieber, but he makes millions of children happy, and that’s a good thing. Reggae makes me want to pour Drano in my ears, but I’m glad it’s there because it helps me identify the people I can’t be friends with. Steve Earl? Guys a bigot, but my dad really likes ‘Copperhead Road’. There’s no such thing as ‘bad taste’ in music because the beauty is in the eye (ear) of the beholder. Imagine someone who hates pineapple ridiculing you for eating one. That’s pretty Hmm… if you ask me. Everyone is entitled to listen to whatever they want without some self-righteous little creep telling them they’re wrong. That said, how is that orange smudge called ‘Ed Sheeran’ a thing? Hmm…

So that’s Hmm… for this week. If you have something you’re a bit Hmm… about, why not tell me about it at monster@monsterchildren.com? Hmm…

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