My 7 Self-Help Best-Sellers


There’s an overabundance of self-help books on the shelves these days. If I owned a dictionary, I’d probably say there’s a glut of them. But have you noticed how many of the latest self-help titles have swears in their names?

There’s How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t, Get Your Sh*t Together, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Unf*ck Yourself, and Calm the F*ck Down to name but a few, and I’m starting to wonder how a guy like me – a guy who has made a career out of peppering sentences with F*cks and Sh*ts – can get in on this latest publishing trend and make some of that sweet self-improvement cash for himself… Here are some ideas.

Hey, Boss! Suck My Fat F*ckin’ D*ck: Taking Control of Your Career and Getting Ahead

Let’s face it, work is more fun when you enjoy what you do. So why stay in an unfulfilling job and be completely miserable when you could shout seven simple words and change your career path forever? Hey, Boss! Suck My Fat F*ckin’ D*ck will help you escape your boring job and move onto something much more meaningful. For people struggling to get through the day, my tips (or tip, really) will help turn your career on its head so you can start from the bottom again.

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful B*stards

Why are so many bastards doing better than you? Why do they have all the money and cars and things? What are these bastards doing that you are not? Also – who are these bastards and why are they flaunting their wealth on your lawn? These questions and more will be answered in detail and diagrams in my best-selling prosperity bible, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful B*stards. Careful not to stub your toe on a million dollars after reading this one.

B*tch, You Got Fat: Learning to Let Go of Love

This life manual is bound to get me a seat on Oprah’s couch. B*tch, You Got Fat: Learning to Let Go of Love is an instruction manual for anyone, male or female, struggling to leave a relationship with a partner who became unattractive by eating too many chips, contracting an annoying disease, or getting burnt on the face. Why stay with a washed-up pig when there are so many hot people in the world? This shit is writing itself. See you at the bank, baby – ker-chang!

The Tipping F*cking Point: How Little F*cking Things Can Make a Big Ol’ F*cking Difference

In this one, I’ve just taken Malcolm Gladwell’s best-selling book, Tipping Point, and pebble-dashed it with expletives: “Chapter Fucking Five: The Power of Context. A study at the shit-head University of Utah found that if you ask some jerk-off why he is friendly with some other dick-licker, he’ll say it is because he and his shitty dick-sore-having friend share similar fart-faced attitudes. But if you actually quiz these two ass-wipes…” Etc. I’ll have to clear it with Gladwell first (and no doubt cut the little nit farmer in on sales), but this is a winner.

Nah C*nt, Yeah C*nt: The Art of Being Decisive

In Nah C*nt, Yeah C*nt: The Art of Being Decisive, I share the essential tools needed to make decisions quickly and effectively so you can move forward in life with dynamism and aplomb. Nah C*nt, Yeah C*nt will teach you what to say when an idea or direction has no appeal (Nah, c*nt), and the best way to affirm your interest in an idea that is appealing (Yeah, c*nt). Let Nah C*nt, Yeah C*nt: The Art of Being Decisive put you on track to living the life you always dreamed of, c*nt!

How to Stop Worrying and Start Getting Your A** Ate

In this self-improvement page-turner, lucky readers will discover clever ways to eliminate their business worries, reduce their financial woes, avoid fatigue, and get their ever-luvin’ asses eaten out like steaming bowls of pudding. There’ll be lines around the block when I sit down to sign this one. Brilliant!

The Girl Who Took s Sh*t In the Oatmeal

For this book, I’m doubling down on two fairly recent (and shameless) publishing trends by using an obscenity and the words ‘The Girl Who’ in the title. I’m not sure what it will be about; probably something to do with feminism, which means I’ll need to assume a pen name like Becky Fulbright, plus a fierce and unyielding air of indignation… which I already have, despite being an able-bodied, white, heterosexual male who gets paid to write pretty much anything.

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