Melbourne’s Mystery Penises


You’d think inventing laneway culture, cappuccinos and shoulder chips would be enough, but no, Melbourne has dreamed up yet another new fad: carving giant penises into cricket ovals.

So far, six enormous penises have been discovered, but if I know Melbourne (and I do) we can expect inscrutable giant penises by the thousands once the trend catches on–you know, like that Yarn Bombing thing they got into.

The first three cocks were found at TW Blake Park in Preston yesterday. There was one whopper and two disappointing ones. The big cock is approximately 122 metres long and boasts a mouthwatering 20 metres of girth. Additional penises were later found at Hayes and John McCain Memorial Parks in Thornbury, and while these throbbing junket pumpers were very large (the John McCain Memorial penis coming in at 94 succulent metres with a generous 16 meters of girth), they haven’t come close to that gorgeous brute in Preston.

While the penises are all very large and imposing, it must be said they’re not very well executed. They are, of course, long and penis-like and have the requisite testicles nuzzling at the base like sleeping field mice, but they’re quite crude and, dare I say, amateurish. I for one look forward to seeing some less rudimentary cricket pitch peckers soon. With any luck, Sydney will step up and show Melbourne how to draw a proper one with veins, pubes, and hyphens that denote hot arcs of glistening jizz.

The pride of Hyde Park
John McCain’s Memorial Hog

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