The bloke from Dead Kooks emailed and said, ‘Hey, man, I’ve got some shit for that column where you write about free stuff.’
I said, ‘Sounds good, brother—send it over!’ Then I rubbed my hands together and licked my lips because Dead Kooks make these really amazing surfboards—works of art really—and I was getting one for free. It is true that I refuse to surf on the grounds that I can’t, but I was getting a free surfboard for the price of a Spotlight pamphlet and that made me giddy. I could already see that shiny bitch stretched out in my living room, making me look like the kind of guy who could surf if he felt like it.
A week later this beer koozie arrived in the mail. ‘The fuck is this?’ I thought, or perhaps said (I was abusing solvents at the time). ‘This isn’t going to make my living room look like Sammy Hagar’s Beach Bar & Grill.’ Included in the package was a t-shirt and some stickers, which was nice, but this beer koozie wasn’t going to do anything for my reputation down in Crescent Head, where I planned on walking up and down the beach for a bit before deciding the waves weren’t good enough for me and going home (on the bus. I can’t drive either). Understandably, I was bummed up my eyeballs.
The next day (p.s. this all went down over summer) another package arrived: a case of Single Fin Summer Ale from the Gage Roads Brewing Co. Twenty-four free beers and delicious beers at that! Suddenly the Dead Kooks koozie wasn’t such a poor man’s Fleshlight® after all. I had a use for it. And the rest, as they say, is pisstory.
If you’ve got some stuff you want me to write a bunch of bullshit about and call it my job, why not give me a hoy at email@example.com, or just whack that crap in the post and send to:
Crombie (aka Mr. Delicious)
c/o Monster Children
6 Australia St Camperdown