Game of Spoilers


Game of Thrones is shot around the corner from my parents’ house in Northern Ireland.

In fact, my Dad was in the show as a Westerosian villager. He was cast after bumping into Peter Dinklage outside Woolworths. By which I mean he ran over Tyrion Lannister with his shopping trolley. A scuffle ensued and to cut a long story short, they’re besties now and my Dad didn’t even need makeup for his episode because he looks like he’s from medieval times with his mutton chops, rotten teeth and ridiculous pipe. The cast are sworn to secrecy but I sent Dad a raven (the Internet hasn’t reached his place yet) and asked him how it ends. The blabbermouth told me! Here then is an EXCLUSIVE on what happens to your fave characters. You’re in so much trouble, Pops.

Jon Snow

Good news, Kit fans, Jon finally gets to pilot a dragon. Rhaegal allows old Snowballs to mount him just prior to the final battle against the Night King’s zombies. Unfortunately, he has trouble finding a park and misses the fight completely. Have you ever tried reversing one of those things? Snow’s final appearance in the show is in a mid-credits sequence, where he’s still struggling to back into a space while Rhaegal makes beep-beep-beep noises. Comedy gold.

Daenerys Targaryen

The Mother of Dragons is all set to burn the shit out of everyone in Westeros when she happens to notice a glowing red letter T while flying over a suburb of King’s Landing called Wonthaggiton. Lands Drogon on the roof of a nearby Dan Murphy’s and is entranced by the big box store’s Dannii Minogue Petites range of stylish yet affordable blouses. Buys the Target chain with Dothraki gold and rebrands it as Targaryen’s. Makes a killing by offering 30% off LEGOs. Her dragon buys the liquor chain and renames it Drogon Murphy’s. It’s way better now.

 

Tyrion Lannister

Is badly wounded by an elderly villager who accidentally backs over him with his shopping cart while returning from market. The mysterious stranger nurses Tyrion back to health and they become a hit stand-up comedy act touring the taverns of Northern Ireland, sorry, I mean the Iron Islands. They fall in love and marry, which means I have two Dads now and have to make sure I lock the door every time I take a shit in case the imp bursts in with a crossbow again. He cracks up every time but seriously, Dad, get out of the bathroom.

Arya Stark

Faces the Night King alone after everyone else is distracted by the bargains on offer at Targaryen’s. Goes to stab him with her Valerian steel dagger but it catches in his tunic and when she whips out her sword Needle, she accidentally darns the hole in the Night King’s favourite jacket. He is quite pleased and installs Arya on the Iron Throne. A sewing craze sweeps the lands. Arya starts a popular podcast called Murder & Stitch.

Jaime Lannister

Finally knocks the incest on the head when Melisandre reanimates his severed hand. He keeps it in his pocket but it plays with his balls constantly during swordplay and puts him off. He stumbles during the first attack and is trampled by horses. Last and best orgasm of his life. Even better than the ones with his sister. Dies happy.

Cersei Lannister

The mistress of strategy realises that with everyone fighting in The North, all the other kingdoms are empty so conquers them with only the Mountain and six of his buddies. Quickly becomes super bored as she keeps beating the Mountain at Risk. Writes a gossipy memoir called It’s All Relative, which flops after she orders 17 audience members beheaded during the Dorne Writer’s Festival. Jeez, Cersei, people are over memoirs. Read the room, babe.

The Night King

Turns out he’s a really nice guy once you get to know him. Only came south of the wall because he heard there were some cool music festivals: Splendour in the Vale, Riverlands Bluesfest and Defqon.1. The lockout laws up north are the worst. Slip this guy a couple of pingers and the war’s over. Last seen stumbling out of a club in King’s Landing and doing an Uber driver’s head in because he wouldn’t shut the fuck up. The real winner here.

Cedric Diggory

Murdered to death by that bastard Peter Pettigrew on Lord Voldemort’s orders. Sorry folks, he doesn’t make it.

Game of Thrones season 8 begins on April 14th.

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