This week, I received a letter from Sam Edmonds:
Dear Crom, I’m a Virgo. Unsure of the ramifications of this but either way, it’s neither here nor there because what I’m actually writing to you about pertains more to Julian (the gay spider from a couple weeks ago—Crom).On the topic of anthropomorphised animals, a good friend of mine recently told me of a deranged cockatoo he had met. Matt lived for a few years on New Zealand’s south island and, as an ecologist, he liked to spend at least some of his time in the local botanical gardens. One of the enclosures had an Australian sulphur-crested cockatoo who was often visited by groups of schoolchildren out on their natural history excursions. Cockatoos are incredibly intelligent. They were among the first animals to be observed dancing (to the Backstreet Boys, no less), and they can remember and repeat a startlingly large number of human words. One cheeky group of private school shits visited the Botanical Gardens and took it upon themselves to teach this cockatoo a string of expletives. But having needed to evade any potential infringement by using the words themselves, the guttersnipes were sure to only whisper their chosen obscenities. The result, as Matt laid out, was a bird not unlike that unhinged lunatic that you avoid eye contact with outside your local corner store late at night. As one passes by its cage it will whisper ever so softly ‘fuck off cunt.’
Thanks, Sam! Your story reminded me of the time I was in a bookshop somewhere and there was a sign up the back that read ‘Do Not Feed Joey!’ I was like, ‘Who the hell is Joey?’ and then I heard what sounded like Honey I Shrunk the Bloke From Slayer say, ‘Joey! Joey! Joey!’ And there was Joey: a parakeet who could only say ‘Joey! Joey! Joey!’ like a mini Tom Araya.
Thanks for your letter!