When we asked Dave Carnie if he’d like to write a column about wine he said, yes, thank you, I would like to write a column about wine very much.
Then he just wrote what ever he wanted, making sure to insert the word ‘wine’ somewhere. Despite being dishonest, mean –spirited rude, and a bastard, we like Dave, and his column is a reader favorite. We called Dave and asked him what he thought about our ten year anniversary, what time he likes to shit, and how come Americans make the C word sound so awful.
Interview by Jason Crombie in the Ten Years of Monster Children Magazine book.
Hang on I forgot to turn off my home recording device.
What are you recording?
I had to interview Spencer Hamilton and Keelan Dadd yesterday. It’s just for a Supra catalogue. Like, ‘I really like my shoe.’ These are some of the drawbacks to being in an office. And it’s really embarrassing because everyone’s really embarrassed when you do these interviews. Actually Richie Jackson is the one who did the interview. I couldn’t get my phone to work and so I had to contact Richie Jackson to get this interview with Keelan Dadd.
Well I feel for you cause I’ve had like 25 interviews with people where my first question is, “Do you remember the first time you saw Monster Children?” That’s what it is. It’s like a big, fat, greasy blowjob for Monster Children. It’s awful. So you’re good to talk to because you’re a contributor but also you’ve worked in magazines and been an editor and stuff like that before.
Fuck magazines. It’s funny I was just taking a shit here and I grabbed like a pile of magazines for people shitting in the bathroom here and I just grabbed GQ magazine. I’d never seen anything other than skate magazines in the bathroom and that Inked magazine that has scantily clad roller derby chicks in it. So it was really weird that there was a GQ in there and I was like, ‘Fuck yeah.’ I hardly ever shit at work but it was so great. Two horrible things at the same time: a shit at work and the shittiest magazine. Magazines are just stupid and like GQ is probably the epitome of what I consider is the stupidity that is magazines. Men’s magazines are my favorite part of why I hate magazines so much. It’s just a bunch of dumb fucking metro-sexual cock-suckers who think they know what’s cool and trying to tell everybody what’s cool while they’re just jacking off on new $200 sneakers.
There’s just no substance to magazines.
What about The Paris Review? That’s got substance.
Well we’re not talking about that, are we? So back to answer your question about why I don’t work for magazines: I feel like most magazines are really stupid, but I’m not smart enough to work for the magazines that I really like.
How come you only sometimes take a shit at work?
I crap in the morning. I only have one cup of coffee a day generally. I don’t know. I get spun out if I have more than one. So I have my one. I get up really early—like five or six. I’m up by six working.
What time do you get to bed?
I live on East Coast time. Like I’m in bed at like 10 at the latest.
If you owned Monster Children, what would you change about it?
What would you call it?
Butt-fuckers Down Under. Wait, what’s that ‘Thunder Down Under’? That Vegas male revues show that features Australian men?
How do you even know about that?
Cause I’ve been to Vegas before and when you step off the fucking plane there’s posters of it everywhere at the airport. I think you guys should have played up the Australian thing, the positive things that you’ve exported to America and to the world like “Crocodile Dundee” and cute accents and your hunky blokes and the Blonde fucking Sheila’s.
What about Page 33? What do you think of that? That’s pretty Aussie.
Is that the scantily clad Asian boy page? That’s kind of what I think about it. I may as well be looking at a fifth grade boys’ school yearbook. Because every girl that you guys have is very attractive, very pretty but I am just not attracted to those waify little girls who are shaped like 10-year old boys.
That’s Campbell and Chris. I’ve got nothing to do with it.
I have the taste of a black man. I don’t like fat girls but I like them thick and voluptuous. You know? I like curvy with big butts and big tits, like my wife.
What was the first thing you ever wrote for us?
I did a book review for The Lords of Chaos. That’s that black metal book. You’ve read that, right?
No, I’m not really into black metal.
You don’t have to be into black metal to enjoy the stories of young Norwegian boys killing each other over Satan and horrible black metal music.
What was the best feature in Monster Children you ever saw? What was one of your favorite ones?
Oh come on. I didn’t even fucking study for any of this. This is a test?
I know you’re trying to do this cocksucker circle jerk Monster Children book about yourselves.
They’re making me do this. I don’t want to, but I have to ask you questions about the magazine. I need this job, Dave.
Can I just be really negative and say what I said at the beginning of this? Magazines suck and there’s nothing really memorable about Monster Children.
Good. Magazines are fucking horrible. In my head, I have this blurry image of Monster Children and it’s a fun magazine that I like to look through. There’re a few things here and there that I’ll read through that kind of catch my eye. But other than that, it’s ultimately forgettable. That’s what magazine’s function is: it’s to kind of flip through on a plane when you’ve got a fucking screaming baby behind you so you can’t actually concentrate on anything worthwhile. So that’s why you have a magazine. It’s when you’re at the fucking dentist and you’re just trying to ward off the fear of the drill and the sounds of the screaming children.
It’s our 10th birthday. Do you remember being 10?
I don’t think I was ever 10. Chris Nieratko believes that I was just born this way. There’s that Todd Bratrud, I think it was a Consolidated graphic, where it’s like a Charles Manson coming out of a cunt that says, ‘It’s a man!’ Nieratko thinks that was inspired by my birth.
Yesterday when we were emailing and saying ‘cunt’ a lot, it was fine, but it sounds bad when I actually hear your American voice say it.
That’s why you guys can’t say it; it just sounds terrible.
It sounds terrible?
Yeah there’s something about the way you guys pronounce it. It sounds worse than when I say it. Like, cunt. Now you say it.
God that sounds awful, cunt.
Do you think that’s why it’s banned? We don’t have a playful way of saying it or something, cunt?
It just doesn’t sound right, cunt. What do you think of Monster Children magazine, by the way?
Your magazine is not fucking memorable at all. It’s a piece of shit. I want that to be my answer.
That’ll be a pull quote. We’ll put that on the cover. We’ll put that on the bellyband. It’s going to be a nice book. It’s going to be hard cover.
Haaard cuvaah. Yeah, I can’t do your accent.
No, that was pretty good. You got it.
Excellent. Now say cunt.
You’ve got to kind of smile to say it, when you say it like you guys.
Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. How ya goin’, cunt?
I just farted actually when you said those. You just said cunt and farted at the same time.
That’s disgusting. And that’s the end of the interview.
Good bye, cunt.