Sydney should have the nightlife of New Orleans, Ibiza and Manchester combined.
It should be the most fun city on earth. And yet Mormons overwhelmed by the excitement of Utah are booking holidays to New South Wales, while local residents are expected to be in bed by 8 pm watching Midsomer Murders.
How did this happen in a state known for the Big Day Out, Splendour in the Grass, Mardi Gras, Australian Fashion Week, Bondi Beach, the Opera House, and goon bags? Ah yes, baby boomer politicians. Those cunts.
Which is weird, right? Boomers were behind the rock ‘n’ roll counter-culture revolution of the 1960s; you’d think they’d be ready to let their hair down and party with the grandkids. Oh, wait, that’s right, they own 80% of the world’s wealth and are clinging to power and money like grim death. They’re selfish and narcissistic. They make everything about them. Every subsequent generation has been worse off and they don’t give a flying fuck. Like medieval kings and queens who’ve been sitting on the throne too long, they’ve gone insane; they think anyone who picks up a guitar after ten o’clock is a terrorist and anyone who wants to have a boogie must be a strung-out meth addict determined to destroy the fabric of society.
Unfortunately for them, voting is mandatory in Australia. These grinning fools have had their boots on our necks for the entirety of our lives, and it’s time to turn around, punch them in the nuts and shout, ‘I’m Spartacus!’ so we can enjoy the unprecedented freedom of having a shandy late at night while listening to some popular tunes from the hit parade. Shocking behaviour, I know, but in order to have the basic freedoms that party kids enjoy in almost every country around the world except here, we need to tell the fun police to get off our fucking backs.
Here, then, is a helpful guide to Saturday’s state election in New South Wales. Fuck Metro Rail and building footy stadiums we don’t need just to put more money in the pockets of boomer developers. How about voting for a little pleasure in our lives, a little hedonism, a little happiness in these dark times? As a great man once said, ‘If music be the food of love, play on!’
First of all, make sure you number every box, putting the pro-music parties first and the pollies who look like they’ve been stitched together from dead bodies last. Here’s a party-by-party breakdown. Drop the beat! You want me to turn it off already? Jesus.
Keep Sydney Open: These guys are behind the lockout laws rallies and have run afoul of the cops and property tycoons on multiple occasions. They want to abolish lockout laws, repeal the draconian regulations designed to shut down music festivals, invest in live venues across the city and regions, establish a Minister for Music, increase arts funding and a bunch of other good shit.
NSW Greens: Support all of the above, excepting a creative hub for Sydenham and devoting $35m to a 4-year music program, rather than KSO’s huge $100m. So, still top-notch supporters of music.
NSW Labor: Support all KSO’s proposed changes except the fucking lockout laws, which they want to keep. Annoying, but at least they’ll turn back festival regulation and invest in music across the state. Or so they say.
Fishers, Shooters and Farmers: Want festivals back on and the lockout laws nixed. Festivals bring money to regional Australia, and given the rotten luck farmers have faced lately, they need whatever help the music industry can provide. A decent alliance.
NSW Christian Democrats: Weirdly the same as Labor, behind everything except lockout law reform. Still, make sure you place them higher than their name suggests.
NSW Liberal Democrats: Slightly more progressive than the other shower of bastards, the Lib Dems are pro-festival and against lockout laws. They’re not big on industry investment though.
NSW Liberals & Nationals: These fucks are across the board against everything. Zero money invested in music or venues, no consultation with the industry or pubs, festivals gone the way of the dodo, lockout laws strictly enforced, regional Australia abandoned to wither and die. But they are keen on the establishment of stormtroopers who drop through the roof of your house and do this.
One Nation: The only music these hoople-heads are interested in is Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles on repeat. You have been warned.
In summary, if you are a human who enjoys music, The Greens, Labor, and Keep Sydney Open should be your numbers 1-3, in any order. Stick the fun-hating demon hellspawn Libs, Nats and Pseudo-Nazis in the basement, lock the door and throw away the key. Then head upstairs and hit the dance floor, friends! See you in the mosh pit.