What We Men Do

Women are mysterious. They’re emotional and spiritual and have a magical connection to the moon. Men, on the other hand, are big, dumb open books.

We men are easy to read, we don’t have any secrets, and you wouldn’t be surprised by our thoughts or the things we do when you lady folk aren’t around. Or would you? Yes, you would. You’d be very surprised. We men have secrets, things we don’t tell you about because that’s how enigmatic we are. Oh, you think you know men? Ha! I laugh. You don’t know men. We let you think you’ve got us figured out, but we’re so inscrutable you can’t even tell we’re inscrutable—and that’s what makes us so inscrutable. And alluring.

What you’re about to read is my gift to womankind. It will land me in hot water with my fellow men, but to heck with it, these things must be told. Welcome to the world of L’homme mystérieux (that’s French for mystery bloke).

  • We Hear Everything

Your boyfriend never listens. You always have to repeat everything twice for him to take it in. ‘I heard you, babe,’ he says, and you say, ‘Oh yeah? What did I just say then?’ And he smiles dumbly because you caught him out. Guess what, though? You didn’t catch him out at all. He heard every-single-word. We men just pretend not to listen so you assume we’re never listening and then give away information. Then we exchange notes at our special meetings down the pub. We also pretend not to remember if your birthday is June 12 or July 12.

  • We Can Get It in The Bowl If We Choose

Drips around the toilet are never an accident. We do it on purpose to test you, to find out if, like the Sheryl Crow song, you’re strong enough to be our woman. Any time we get a bit of piss on the floor, we’re just checking in to see if you can still handle it. If you end the relationship because you stepped in a puddle of lukewarm piss once too often, well, now we know you’re not cut out to be with a real man. Same goes for when we come home drunk and ‘accidentally’ piss in the wardrobe.

  • We’re Able to Postpone Orgasm Indefinitely

We can hold off forever. Those times when we beat you to the big O? It’s not because you kept going after we asked you to slow down—it’s because we wish to punish you for something you did a year ago. We hold grudges, we men. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but if you cross a man he’ll remember, and every now and then he’ll go ahead and have his orgasm a microsecond before you get yours. ‘It’s okay, honey, I really enjoyed it anyway.’ Ho ho! We know that’s not true. Also, we ALL have girthy 10″ erections, but most of us are withholding them for when Miss Right comes along.

  • It’s Not What You Think When We Look at Other Women

When you catch us looking at another woman, it’s not because we’d like to have sex with her—it’s because we have enormous respect for you and the relationship. By keeping an eye on all the other women, we’re remaining vigilant and watching out for potential threats to our romantic union. Beautiful women with amazing bodies are ALWAYS trying to steal men, so if you see him gazing at one—even with his mouth half open—it’s because he wants to make sure that menace stays the hell away. We’re like loyal guard dogs in that regard. Feel guilty? You should.

  • Defecating is More Painful Than Childbirth for Men

You won’t read it in Cosmo, but taking a shit is excruciating for men. That’s why we take so long in there. We’re not on our phones or rereading the rumpled copy of Zoo Weekly we keep hidden in the air duct—we’re biting down on a strip of leather and trying not to blackout because our anuses are the size of pinholes and our turds are like prize-winning Kennebec potatoes. We don’t complain about it because it’s simply not in our nature to burden others with our suffering.

  • We Actually Like Sex & The City

Believe it or not, we men adore Sex & The City. It’s, like, basically our favorite show. And the only reason we pretend to hate it so much and say that it’s a pile of corny bullshit is because we want you to have something on TV that’s all yours. Meanwhile, it’s the main topic of discussion at our special meetings down the pub. We’re always on about it! Mostly we talk about which character we are, like, right now, I feel like I’m 75% Carrie and 25% Samantha, know what I mean?

  • We’re Eternally Grateful

You gave us life! Think about that for a second: I’m only able to sit here and write this cheeky shit because a WOMAN (a lovely woman) brought me into the world. That’s incredible. Thanks for making me, Mum. Sorry for all the swears. X

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