This Sunday night in Los Angeles, the crème de la fraîche of the movie industry join together to celebrate mediocracy in film, using statues of men made from gold-plated britannium.
Definitely still going to watch it, though. Here are five nominations for this year’s Oscars that never should have made it off the cutting room floor.
Actress in a Leading Role: Lady Gaga, A Star is Born
If this were a nomination for Hoodwinker of the Century, Ms. Stefani Germanotta would be a shoo-in. When her single ‘Poker Face’ came out back in 2008, I truly believed it was a radio ad jingle for a local casino. If I’ve learned anything from her proceeding decade-long, multi-award winning and highly lucrative music career, it’s that the general population is unable to distinguish between a radio ad jingle and a song. Also, Lady GaGa has been peddling this whole ‘I’m not pretty enough to be a star” act since day one, and it’s as tired as the idea to remake this film for the third time.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay): If Beale Street Could Talk
If Beale St could talk, I’d imagine it would say something along the lines of ‘Whoa, the Oscars? How did I get here when I have put 80% of my viewers to sleep within the first 25 minutes of my grossly clichéd and longwinded story? Oh, Moonlight. Got it.’
Writing (Adapted Screenplay): The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
Those kooky Coen Brothers are at it again. Seriously, what can’t they do? A six-part Netflix series, that’s what. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs is a maze of shorts that become less and less entertaining as the series wears on. To be completely honest, I can’t tell you how it all ends because I threw in the towel at number four. But I read a review over at Film School Rejects, and it confirms that aside from the first 18-minute short, the rest ‘at best, elicit a tired chuckle or brief, sad sigh, and are as void of entertainment as they are of significance.’ Can’t wait for that There Will Be Blood sequel though, guys!
Production Design: First Man
Is this a joke? Of course First Man is going to win an award for production design. They didn’t have to lift a finger to recreate the set of the first moon landing. They just had to dust off a few cobwebs since the last time the US Government used it back in 1969.
Best Original Song: A Star Is Born – ‘Shallow’
Here we are again, back where we started. Another nomination for the third remake of William Wellman’s 1937 film, A Star Is Born. This song gives me a worse headache than The Hangover Part III. The film’s very existence not only proves that Hollywood has officially run out of ideas, but that it’s also run out of legitimate actors. Why else would they cast a singer as an actress and an actor as a singer? Why isn’t anyone staying in their goddamn lane? Also, is it just me, or does Bradley Cooper’s voice sound like he bought it at a fancy dress shop and is just wearing it as a costume? ‘Howdy, shopkeeper, I’d like one John Wayne performing country classics at a Karaoke Bar in New Mexico, please.’ Comin’ right up.