Weekly Roundup

What’s the biggest shock you ever had while high?

I almost electrocuted myself through the urethra by pissing right next to a powerboard. That would have been an awkward bereavement call to my Mum. I also stumbled into the bathroom of a house party in Manchester while tripping balls on acid, lunged at the light switch cord, missed it completely and fell arse over tit into a bathtub filled with ice and cold beers. Imagine diving into the freezing waters of the Antarctic whilst in the midst of a full psychedelic episode. It was like that, only worse. Still, a couple of stoner buddies from Houston got me beat this week. They snuck into an abandoned house for a toke, only to discover a tiger, locked in a flimsy cage held together with sticky tape. Animal rescue came and got him. He’s called Tyson now. Weirdly, it’s legal to own a tiger in Texas.

If you haven’t seen The Disaster Artist, you’re missing out. James Franco’s satire of Tommy Wiseau’s so-shit-it’s-great movie, The Room, should have cleaned up at the Oscars but, you know, it’s funny and awards only ever go to overly earnest serious films where Daniel Day Lewis plays a gay coal miner with one leg who climbs Everest to reconcile with his blind jazz-drummer father. Anyway, Tommy is back! We think. This week, he released a trailer for his new movie, about a group of fire-fighter friends in New Orleans (played by Wiseau, The Room’s Greg Sistero and Isaiah LaBorde) who have to fight a big shark when the city becomes flooded. It’s called…wait for it…Big Shark. The trailer’s awesome. Usually a trailer would indicate a film is nearing completion and release, but in typically Tommy fashion, he told audiences at a screening in London that he intends shooting the movie this year, so who knows where that footage came from.

It wouldn’t be a weekly roundup without a poo story, so sit down, put your feet up on your Squatty Potty and make yourself comfortable. First: an update on last week’s thrilling USB-in-leopard-seal-turd story. The owner has been found! In a twist worthy of my lower intestine, Amanda Nally made herself known to authorities as the person who shoved the USB up the poor seal’s arse as a prank. Sort of. Turns out she dropped it on the ice, a bird ate it, flew around for a bit, got eaten by a seal who swam around a bit, then shat it back out on the ice for a passing research assistant to collect as a sample. That assistant was Nally herself. So she unknowingly found her own USB stick, a fact revealed over a year later when the turd was thawed out. A lesson for all of us to thoroughly examine the contents of the toilet before flushing. I know you all look anyway.

The remains of the 12th century three-seater toilet

I could’ve helped you out with that back in the 12th Century by leaning across for a quick stool assessment. The Museum of London is about to display a three-person toilet seat they found in the river. It was owned by capmaker John de Flete and his missus Cassandra, which they shared with their neighbours. Nothing wrong with that. I invited Colin across the road to watch me take a shit only yesterday. By ‘invited’, I mean, ‘paid’. I’m into that. Don’t judge me. It was Valentine’s Day this week and you know what they say: couples who defecate together stay together.

While most of the dumb world was enjoying ‘romantic’ dinners with their ‘girlfriends’ this Valentine’s, one man was out there making a real difference. Jose Canseco, once the world’s greatest baseball player (maybe), announced on Twitter that for a mere five grand, anyone could join him hunting Bigfoot. Also, he’d show you actual aliens. Ooh, ooh, pick me, Jose, pick me! You get to travel with Canseco in his custom RV to “authentic alien sightings and proven Bigfoot habitats”. Food is included. This guy’s a genius. Only two weeks ago he tweeted that aliens had bestowed the secret of time travel upon him. That must be handy! Jose, you want to go back to London in the 1100s with me and take a dump together? Catch me before I fall into that ice bath? $5000 seems a bargain to hang out with this dude. Having said that, he also once claimed that his middle finger came off during a poker game, so perhaps a pinch of salt is required before mailing the cheque.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter