The jokes just keep writing themselves.
Over the weekend, Burning Man CEO Marian Goodell released a statement-slash-blog post on the Burning Man website to announce that they would no longer be inviting camp ‘Humano the Tribe’ back to the playa. This is the first time an entire camp has been disinvited to the week-long festival of corporate fat cats ironically celebrating their own cremation.
While any decent human with literally anything worthwhile going on in their life shouldn’t care less about a festival full of coked-up pseudo hippies wearing Johnny Depp hand-me-downs, much like Fyre Festival, this is a tale worth relishing.
It turns out that Humano the Tribe is a camp that caters to rich bros and desperate influencers by offering pimped out tents starting at $25,000, as well as personal ‘sherpas.’ A personal sherpa is like a personal assistant that will carry your Steampunk overalls and glow in the dark hula hoops, but with a colonial twist. And it turns out, it’s not only the tents getting pimped out—rumour has it that every male who dropped cash for private Humano accommodation in 2018 was granted two Instagram models for companionship. That’s like, five sherpas.
Marian Goodell (who it’s always fun to mention earns $267,000 a year as the CEO of Burning Man, a ‘non-profit’) alleges in her blog post that: ‘Humano was a strain on resources, had a poor ‘leave no trace’ record for three years, had a very poor 2018 environmental compliance record including multiple Bureau of Land Management citations, and was the subject of many complaints from neighbouring camps.’
Since the announcement, Humano the Tribe has deactivated both its Facebook and Instagram accounts, but Mashable was able to obtain last year’s Humano price list, and it’s even more ludicrous than you’d expect from a group of wealthy white people calling themselves a tribe. For a humble $25,000, you can bag yourself a 160 sq. ft. ‘Single Bedouin Tent’ with minibar and AC. From there, prices go all the way up to $100,000 for a ‘Moon Village’ with two bedrooms, a private bathroom, and ‘super-powerful AC.’ There’s also a $2,000 fee on top of that for what they dub ‘initiation.’ Please save one last eye roll for this fun fact: last year, all accommodation sold out.
Again, in case I’m the only nincompoop who’s ever sold their soul to the playa, I can confirm that a private toilet could save your life at Burning Man. If you saw the state of the infamous playa porta potties (which cleaners last year reported finding a full charcoal chicken and half a mattress in), $100,000 might even sound like a deal. But if you’re going to spend the equivalent of the downpayment on a house just for a private place to pee, you’d at least expect that place wouldn’t be soaked in excrement from leaking pipes. But apparently, Humano turned up with PVC piping that didn’t properly connect to its toilets. Instead of taking a trip to Reno, Nevada, to buy the proper plumping, they just tried to duct-tape the pipes instead. I think you can guess what happens from here. Oh well, I guess people make mistakes. They’re only Humano after all.
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. Burners Mati & Monica @matishaw @monicanozomi #JPZimage_Mati #humanothetribe Outfit by: @nozomishaw #nozomishaw . . . . . #photo #photoshoot #photography by #juanpzapata #jpzimage @jpzimage @juanpzapata #BurningManTales #BurnerTales @BurningManTales #JPZimage_BurningMan . . . #BurningMan2018 #burnerettes #dacingburningman #playa #art #artist #fashion #style #summer #dance #beautiful #model
A week or so after last year’s Burning Man ended (I know, man, it lives on in your heart forever), a Reddit thread popped up complaining about Humano from other Burners who’d had the displeasure of camping near them. Among the claims were excessive bags of trash, leaking ‘grey water’, and sightings of some downcast models wandering around the playa. ‘I met four girls at our camp who told me they’d been kicked out of their RV for not wanting to have sex with the guy who brought them out. They had no food and all of their belongings were in the RV,’ recounted one Reddit user.
The moral to this story? I guess the old adage is true: Where there’s Burning Man smoke, there’s Fyre.