Love sucks, romance is a rip-off, and Hollywood is to blame.
How many lives have been ruined by the unrealistic expectations of amore the movies have been peddling since whenever it was the movies were invented? Before the advent of cinema, romance wasn’t even a thing. Sure, poets like Byron and Shelley were waffling about her walking ‘in beauty like the night,’ but that was just a ruse to get birds into bed, and everyone knew it. Hollywood, though, that cunning little fib factory has a lot to answer for. We’re all cooked in the head thanks to Tinseltown’s fanciful tripe, and here are seven of the most outrageous examples of the sickly stew they’ve packaged as ‘LOVE’.
An eight-year-old named Allen is holidaying with his family in Cape Cod when he falls off a boat, panics, loses consciousness, and is revived by the kiss of a little mermaid. It’s love at first sight, there beneath the waves, but Allen is rescued, and the mermaid girl swims away unseen. Flash forward twenty years, and Allen (who now believes the encounter with the mermaid girl to be a hallucination) is unable to form romantic connections because he subconsciously longs for the magic he experienced with the mermaid. They should have ended the movie there and let it serve as a warning to not hold out for ‘true love.’ But no. Instead, they have the mermaid walk out of the sea to come find Allen because he is the love of her life. I won’t spoil it for you, but Splash has a predictably happy ending that will make you wish you could experience love-at-first-sight at the bottom of Cape Cod. Which you won’t.
Le Fuck you, Amélie. This is another movie that encourages you to hold out for ‘the one’ as if ‘the one’ actually exists. There’s no ‘the one,’ believe me. Buy a Long Island Iced Tea for someone who’s been married for more than three years and ask them about ‘the one’. They’ll tell you to give them a big fat break. They’ll also thank you for inviting them to a bar. They’ll also make you promise not to tell anyone they were at a bar. Amélie is a movie about a French girl who falls in love with a stranger and blah, blah, le blah. This one really messed with my head because my romantic life has never been anywhere near as intriguing as the protagonist’s, and Audrey Tautou still hasn’t replied to a single one of my Lynx ‘Dark Temptation’-scented love letters.
The Notebook (2004)
I haven’t watched this one, but my deputy (yes, I have a deputy), Monica, says it’s the most romantic movie ever made. But I’ll never watch it. It stars Ryan Gosling and I don’t like his face. It reminds me of a flute. I’m sure he’s a great guy, and I’m certain this is a terrific movie about true love and how that’s totally a thing that happens all the time on planet earth, but I’ll never know because I’ll never sit through the sugary-ass load of baloney. I do know that the film ends with the true lovers dying while holding hands in a bed in an old people’s home, their pajamas loaded to the hilt with diarrhea. Sounds fabulous. NEXT!
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Remember the guy from Splash? Well, his missus, Splash, kicked the bucket and now he’s all alone, feeling sorry for himself and putting his Alexis Texas Fleshlight® through the dishwasher every 15 minutes. His son—sporting the standard movie kid bowl cut (is there only one children’s barber in Hollywood and is he a complete bastard?)—calls a radio chat show and tells them how sad his dad is since Splash popped her clogs, and suddenly single ladies are lining up around the block to be the next Mrs. Splash. Enter Meg Ryan who, despite never having laid eyes on Tom Hanks (the aforementioned guy from Splash), falls madly in love and meets the bugger at the top of Westfield or something. What a load of dusty old turds. NEXT!
Call Me by Your Name (2017)
I’m not gay, but this movie—with its wistful setting and perpetual ‘golden hour’ lighting—made me wish I was. Really. This movie is so impossibly romantic it left me wishing I were homosexual like the homosexuals on screen. When I left the cinema, I head straight for the gay bars. Five mouth-loads of cock later I realised I’d been hoodwinked by Hollywood once again.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Think about the absolute worst relationship you’ve ever been in. Got it? Okay, now imagine you can have that person and all the memories you made with them permanently erased. Sounds brilliant, right? What a great idea for a movie: two people dislike each other and decide to have all memory of one another erased—bingo-bango—everyone’s doing blow and having indiscriminate sex for the remaining 90-minutes of the movie. I’d watch that! But no, they had to have the characters meet again (with no memory of each other) and get back together. Or something. I can’t remember exactly, but I do know that the dude character changes his mind during the memory erasing procedure when he remembers the good times they had in the beginning before she started throwing plates and insisting he piss sitting down to minimise drips. This is an insidious and evil movie.
Spoiler: Your deceased husband isn’t going to return as a ghost and make pottery with you; not even a pinch-pot ashtray. It won’t happen. This movie, however, would have you believe it will happen and, not only that, you’ll get to chuck in another couple of roots before they bugger off back to Heaven. Ashton Kutcher’s ex-girlfriend and the guy from Roadhouse star as this annoying couple who are so in love they can even do craft with mud after he gets murdered by a dude who has obviously had enough of their cringe-till-your-nose-bleeds bullshit. Enter the one with the dreadlocks from The View, who plays a psychic that helps Roadhouse and Kutcher’s ex have it off in a pottery shed. Whatever. It’s a load of old hooey. Happy Valentine’s Day! X