Heaps Surfy Radness


I’ve totally gone off celebrating numbers in lists.

From now on I will only count using my favourite sandwiches. So here it is, a virtual delicatessen’s worth of Heaps Surfy Radness that you may now stuff your face with. Enjoy.

Open Tuna sub on rye with way too much mayo, melted gouda, and a pretentious parsley garnish: The Volcom Pipe Pro is on this week!

Right now, while you’re more than likely sitting on the shitter trying to read while busting an infuriatingly tiny nard that won’t move no matter many how many veins pop out of your forehead, I am sitting at a table in a house on Ke Ike Road on the famous North Shore of Oahu, a mere five-minute walk to the Banzai Pipeline. Sitting next to me is Chris Cote, the Cut U Up lead singer whom moonlights as a surf/skate commentator, and whom also has a really great podcast (more on that in a moment, and, by the way, how good was my double use of the word whom just now? –terrible, Ed.). This week, Chris and I will be calling the first major surf event of the year: The Volcom Pipe Pro. Though there’ve been a few minor Kewies already (aka qualifying events), it’s the VPP that fires the first shot of the new competitive year for realsie. Though the event is famous for breakthrough performances in threatening surf, for a long time it was dominated by three greedy Pipe pigs named Goat Slater, Jamie O’Brien, and John John Florence. Australia’s Soli Bailey and Hawaii’s Josh Moniz huffed and puffed and blew those piggy houses down in 2017-18, and in doing so gave hope to an army of Pipe specialists who are more than capable of threading the Banzai for a life-changing victory. However, my pick for the win is John John. I think he’ll be plenty pissed off that his World Title–and the Pipe Masters trophy–now live in Brazil, and he’ll be looking to start the year with a tuna sub on rye with way too much mayo, ’cause who isn’t pissed off when a perfectly good sandwich is ruined with too much mayo? Oh, wait… I literally just found out John John isn’t surfing in the comp this year, so please replace his name with Noa Deane who also really hates mayo. You can watch me and Cote talking shit (and all the surfing) on Red Bull TV, or WSL.com from now till February 10th.

Peanut butter and banana lacquered with manuka honey on freshly baked white bread buns: New Funboys Movie Drops!

A frontrunner for surf clip of the year has already emerged, with Funboys dropping G’day From the North Coast this week. Coming in at 3:24, this super-short masterpiece features surf hats, squats, a kiteboarder with a ponytail, a missing tooth, a bodyboarder in a fedora, handstand splits, and the techno dance classic This is the Rhythm of the Night (a song that won me a bottle of Sambucca when I sexy-grinded with a girl on the bar at the Surf Rock Café in 1995). This sandwich also contains my four all-time favourite ingredients: Wade Peanut Buttall, Creed McBananart, Chunny Manukas Honey, and Harry White Buns Triglone. It’s a treat we can all enjoy. Scoff now!

Pesto chicken with marinated eggplant and sun-dried tomato focaccia: The Momentum Files are a 90s thing you can enjoy all over again!

Unlike Focaccias, which were 1% herbs, 1% gross fillings, and 98% inedible bread, the 90s did contribute a few morsels of totally consumable radness, and none better than the Momentum Generation, upon which the surfy youth of the world truly gorged. From the rudimentary video equipment of Taylor Steele came high-energy surf flick after surf flick with a new cast of heroes, a heap of new tricks, a clean-cut new attitude, and not one fuck given for anything that came before it. It sent the ‘old school’ guys into a spin and split surfing down the middle for a decade as the rail versus slide debate went nuclear. But even core believers of the old guard like myself could not deny the allure nor the surfing nor the Cali punk soundtrack of films like Momentum, Momentum 2, Focus, Good Times and Loose Change, and by the end of the decade the coup had prevailed. Now all The Momentum Files are available on Youtube. If you’re not from the era, you might look at the shit surf, the below par quality of the footage, the narrow super-rockered surfboards and the weak-kneed pocket-snap-to-slides and think, ‘This shit is the fucking eggplant and sundried tomato focaccia of surf history!’ but if you were there, you’ll deadest get goosies watching these sections for the first time in years. My personal favourite: Kelly Slater to NOFX as the closer to Momentum 2. Yep, that’s a little bit of wee dribbling down the wallet chain hanging outta my cargo shorts.

Grilled Ham and Swiss Cheese sandwich, with thinly sliced pickles and seedy Dijon Mustard: THE MONDAY M.A.S.S. is a fantastic podcast you should give your time too!

Did I mention I’m sitting next to Chris Cote? The sandwich mentioned here is Cote’s favourite. He suggests dipping it in ranch sauce, if you really want to take a walk on the wild side, but admits living dangerously isn’t for everyone. Cote is an absolute legend, who has been a part of the fabric of surf, skate and snow culture and media for the best part of three decades. He’s a magazine editor, a broadcaster, and lead singer of a sick band (Cut U Up) and I’m not joking when I say he’s mates with fucking everyone, even Bill Cosby (get real nobody is mates with Bill Cosby). This makes his podcast Monday MASS essential listening for all news, views, and happenings in surf, skate, and snow. Listen below and then subscribe. Sandwich out!

Chris, are sandwiches still relevant?

Yes, but they’re getting less and less relevant by the day due to the carbs in the bread. Still lots of carb hate happening out there. Sometimes I substitute lettuce for bread, but it’s not the same. I’m a fan of good bread.

Tell us about your Monday M.A.S.S. Does it always come out on Monday and are processed meats an adequate sandwich filler?

The Monday M.A.S.S. started as a simple way to keep the tools sharp and to stay aware and on top of all things action sports between events that I commentate. I set it up to be a simple news and opinion type of show that didn’t need guests or much production. The show has four sections: surf news, snow news, skate news, nerd news. Todd Richards is now the official co-host of the M.A.S.S., and it usually happens once a week, not always on Monday, though. It’s fast-paced, fun; we fuck around a lot and stray way off topic, but it always starts with surf, skate and snow stuff. We got a couple of sponsors, mainly to help motivate us to do the show as much as possible; but it’s hard, ’cause Todd and I both travel so much. I’m down with processed meat. I usually lean towards turkey, be it smoked or honey roasted.

You’ve been at the centre of a worldwide controversy known as Fullrotergate aka the incorrect naming of surf tricks. Why must we name technical surf tricks after skate and snow tricks and, further to that, should people who use way too much mayo on their sandwiches be tied to a table and chocky-nosed by the entire defensive line of the New England Patriots post-Super Bowl?

CAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE TRICKS ARE CALLED! I didn’t name them, the people who invented the tricks named them. Anyone can call a trick whatever they want for all I care. But, I’m the one who is a paid professional when it comes to the proper naming of tricks during surf broadcasts, so go ahead and #provemewrong It’s a fun thing to argue about because nobody’s gonna get hurt. I’m a mayo fan, but too much mayo can fuck up a perfectly good sandwich. The mayo should be a thin film rather than a thick layer.

Take us through the latest ep and what’s coming up in your sandwich plan for 2019?

Well, I should be doing the next episode live on the North Shore right now, as I am here. But it’s raining, windy, and unsurfable, so I’m eating chips and listening to Phil Collins. My sandwich plan is to eat less of them and to concentrate on protein instead of carbs.

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