Pimp My Insta Caption

You’ve taken the photo. It’s beautiful. You’ve run the filters, messed with the grade. Wow. Now it’s really beautiful.

This might be the most captivating Instagram post you’ve ever created. Holy fuck. I think it is. I think this is the best, most spellbinding Instagram post since the birth of Instagram. Oh. My. God. And now for the caption… No, don’t write tha… Ugh. You blew it. You just took the alphabet and laid a long, squirrely turd under the best Instagram post ever, and you can never take it back.

Amazing Instagram posts are routinely let down by abominable captions, and yet the issue remains unaddressed. Until now. In the interest of ending this heartbreaking pandemic, I’ve taken some random Insta posts with lackluster captions and given them the once over.

In this post, Tash Oakley has quoted the Pink Floyd classic ‘Wish You Were Here’, suggesting she wishes her lover or two-million followers were there. What she should’ve done was quote the book she’s reading, which, if I know Tash, is a copy of Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste by Pierre Bourdieu. Or Grug.

Is there anything worse than a post that goes on forever? Who has time to read all of that? Get to the point with something simple, like, ‘Hi, mum.’

This caption is perfect. A lesser Instagrammer might’ve written a long-winded dissertation about humanity doing diarrhea on its own head, but Little Pumper has said it in two words.

In this post, a fellow by the name of ‘Lavish’ makes the distinction between losers with two names (John Smith) and special people who only have one name (Madonna). Great. But also not great. The whole thing seems contrived and, frankly, I don’t believe his name is  ‘Lavish’ at all. If I had to guess, I’d say his real name is ‘Greg Prick’.

Not a bad caption. I would’ve preferred, ‘Uh oh. I got run over by a forklift and had to write this with a chopstick taped to my forehead,’ but I guess this is fine.

BZZZZT. Wrong. The caption should be, ‘This dog is fucked.’

The President of the United States doesn’t just blow it on Twitter, he makes a mess of Instagram too. In this predictable caption, he goes on and on about his wall, but he might’ve spared us all by writing something more concise, like, ‘LOL. Here I am, being a cunt again.’

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