What is left to be said about the steaming pile of human vapidity that was Fyre Festival?
Since the release of Netflix’s searing documentary, FYRE: The Greatest Party That Never Happened, media outlets have reported on everything from workplace sexual harassment (yep, that water bottle confession) to a wildly successful GoFundMe for the scammed caterers ($153,000 has been raised at the time of writing). But no one seems to have had the groundbreaking idea to count down the biggest losers of the documentary from cinco to uno. Until now.
Loser Numero Cinco: The model collective
I know they aren’t a singular person, but they are all kind of the same: very attractive women who were (mostly) born that way and are intent on claiming every move they make is a feminist statement because otherwise…what are they doing? Anyway, Emily Ratajkowski, Bella Hadid and co. were all paid an exorbitant amount of money to advertise a festival—with a typo in its name and that they knew nothing about, and had no intention of attending—to a bunch of impressionable suckers on the Internet. Which reminds me, suckers—no, they have never tried the detox tea or teeth whitening kit they told you to buy. That’s what cosmetic surgeons are for.
Loser Numero Cuatro: Justin, the guy who ransacked all the tents around him while his friend peed on neighbour’s beds
What level of entitlement need one possess in order to arrive on a small island, immediately deduce that accommodation is limited, security lacking and conditions unsafe, and then begin ‘poking holes and flipping mattresses’ in the tents surrounding yours while your buddy ‘pisses on a few of the beds’ so you don’t have to have neighbours? I smell a fraternity membership.
Loser Numero Tres: Alyssa Lynch, ‘Influencer’
In almost any other scenario, social media influencer and Instagram filter enthusiast Alyssa Lynch would be crowned Loser Numero Uno, but this is Fyre Festival we’re talking about. No one has ever witnessed such a high concentration of losers in such a confined space–and I say that with the assumption most of you have seen at least one episode of The Bachelorette. Anyway, Alyssa only appears in the doc for a brief minute or two, but it’s what she says in that time that really earns her a spot on the list. During a scene explaining that transportation wasn’t quite as luxurious as attendees had hoped (their expectations based solely on a private jet video some models posted to Instagram), an unimpressed Alyssa is filmed on a—gasp—commercial airliner saying, ‘We are here in the “private jet”—it’s actually worse than like, being really, really low line economy.’ In an ironic twist, Alyssa may have unintentionally taught me something: There’s a low version of economy? Ew.
Loser Numero Dos: Billy McFarland
This ranking may come as a surprise to the four people still reading this. And while Billy McFarland makes a pretty good case for reigning supreme as Loser Numero Uno, there’s someone I find even more deserving (stay tuned!). Billy McFarland is definitely still a high-ranking official at the bureau of losers, but there’s something so sad about him that I almost feel pity. Like, his business plan from the beginning didn’t even make sense. How delusional and morally bankrupt do you have to be to just pretend you have money when you don’t, and then spend the money you don’t have without knowing how you’ll ever pay it back? Also, I hate to say it, but the people who believed him aren’t guilt-free, either. You saw leather loafers, a navy blazer, and white jeans all on one man and you still trusted him?
Loser Numero Uno: Ja Rule
Born Jeffrey Bruce Atkins, Ja Rule first rose to fame rapping the lyrics ‘It must be the ass / That got me like that / If it get any fatter / Man The Rule gonna have to get at her.’ Please just let that sink in for a second. Anyway, The Rule takes the top spot because, in 80% of the documentary footage, he’s running around shirtless with a beer in his hand, yelling shit to no one in particular and presenting a pretty clear cut case of little man syndrome. Every scene he’s in will most likely rub you the wrong way, but nothing compares to the bonfire footage from the model’s promo trip. As a gaggle of girls wrap themselves in warm clothing after the sun sets, The Rule announces he has an artistic vision that must be filmed immediately. ‘We ’bout to create art,’ he explains, before pleading, ‘Come on baby, get over here. Just get in the water. Get in the fucking water!’ When the models exhibit little excitement, The Rule explains his cinematic concept: ‘We’re going to jump in, and then the girls are going to follow us in,’ to which a visibly repulsed model replies, ‘Us jumping after you?’ Ain’t it funny…