What futuristic treats does 2019 have in store for us? Our intrepid technology reporter visited the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week to find out. Except he didn’t, because the Internet.
It’s only a matter of time before artificial intelligence infiltrates everyday objects. Your fridge will refuse to open when you want that fourth beer because it thinks you need to lose a few pounds. Your front door will ask what time of night you think this is to come home as you fumble with your keys. And your toilet will compliment your stools. Yes, folks, the Numi 2.0 Intelligent Toilet has built-in speakers, voice control and ambient lighting to facilitate smooth passage to the coast for your friends, and Amazon’s Alexa is present to monitor every poop you curl out. I know big tech is into collecting data, but this is ridiculous. Also in the pipeline is a walking car, a vegan burger that fake bleeds, a Nespresso machine that makes beer instead of coffee (huzzah!), and a makeup gun that you shoot yourself in the face with. Everything in The Simpsons really does come true in the end.
HBO’s True Detective returns this week. Remember when everyone lost their shit over McConaughey’s cod philosophising about space, time and the Yellow King back in 2014? Yeah, they flushed that down the Numi 2.0 with the Vince Vaughan-starring worst-second-season-ever one year later. Fortunately, they’ve taken their sweet time in producing season three. Moonlight’s Mahershala Ali is a messed-up cop investigating the disappearance of two kids and, true to form, the show jumps between several time periods–1980, 1990 and 2015–by which time poor old Ali has dementia and can’t remember what happened anymore. The first five episodes were released to critics this week, and opinion is sharply divided. Some say it’s a slow-burn homage to season one, others that it’s a plodding, clichéd waste of time. All agree that Ali is fantastic in it though, so give it a whirl if you like crime dramas where no one cracks a smile and everyone gets murdered and nothing is ever resolved. Oh wait, that’s all of them.
I birdboxed the shit out of dinner one time when I went to a restaurant in Berlin that was in total darkness and all the wait staff were blind. I also spilled wine in my crotch and stabbed myself in the cheek with a fork, so bear that in mind, kids. In Paris, as you might expect, they took the novelty dining concept one step further and made everyone strip naked. Sadly, it wasn’t a hit. O’naturel announced this week they are closing because–surprise, surprise–no one wanted to stare at a stranger’s frank and beans while eating their coq au vin. Oh well, there goes my idea for an Aussie food truck called Nude Snags. To be honest, a number of health and safety concerns arise when barbecuing sausages in the altogether, so it’s probably for the best.
So Scarlett Johansson called me this week and I conducted a searing in-depth interview during which the star confessed to a number of murders and traffic infringements before telling me what Bill Murray whispered in her ear at the end of Lost in Translation. Also, we’re dating now and she’s carrying my triplets. Ha! Had you there for a second. The media. You can’t trust ’em. Don’t believe a word of this, that’s the lesson. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson supposedly trash-talked millennials in British tabloid the Daily Star this week, calling them ‘generation snowflake.’ Bit weird, says The Rock on Insta, since the interview never frigging happened. 100% fabricated, Dwayne claims, and I for one believe him. Who’s going to argue with Hercules? His hairpiece is amazing in that movie, by the way. Text me the number of your wig guy, DJ. I need help.
Speaking of people not to mess with, my favourite sports-related story of the week involves Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana. The badass 26-year-old was waiting for an Uber outside her apartment building in Rio when some douche tried to steal her phone at gunpoint, except he used the old two fingers in the jacket pocket trick. Viana wasn’t fooled. But just in case he had a shiv, she beat the shit out of him with a punch-kick combo and then choked him out. He ended up begging her to call the cops. Hey, tech companies, instead of inventing crappers that recommend books while playing Enya’s ‘Orinoco Flow’, how about a voice-activated taser function on my Samsung Galaxy? We’re not all UFC trained, you know. Sail away, sail away, sail away.