Your New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t need to. I’ve got this whole ‘existence’ thing on lock.

Making any changes to the way I conduct my life would be an exercise in pointlessness and great folly. You, on the other hand, need to sort your shit out pronto, otherwise you could lose a leg or wake up with an elbow growing out your neck. That could happen. Don’t assume elbow-neck is strictly a third world problem–it can occur anywheres, even in your privileged-ass neck of the dick woods.

Y’all need to check yourself before you dang wreck yourself, and here are some resolutions you might consider taking on in the year of our Lord, 2019.


Get off them Drugs

Despite what your ‘cool’ friends down at the soda fountain say, drugs are not all that and a bag of deer jerky. Drugs suck. I’m talking primarily about opiates and amphetamines here. That shit is nasty and you don’t need it. If you want to have a good time with your friends, make up some pot cookies and get a six-pack. That’s a good time. Maybe drop a little acid and see what that’s all about, or climb up on the roof and huff some paint in your underpants. Bzzz! That was a test. Don’t sniff paint or do acid. And definitely don’t mess with the needles and the ice pipe. It’ll ruin your life, believe me. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve lost friends to heroin, and I one time saw an ice addict deep-fry a dog turd and feed it to a baby. No bueno.

Learn to Swim

Why not learn to swim this year? Everyone else is doing it–why not you? And when you’re confident in the water, why not break a few aquatic records for charity. Swim to NZ in a chicken cage roped to your uncle’s Zodiac to raise money for people with bent feet. Make some headlines, baby. Start off small with some floaties and a little kickboard–or, if you’re financially unable to purchase said floaties and kickboard, go around the neighbourhood looking for things that float–old tennis balls, empty coke bottles, dead birds, etc.–and stuff them into a pillowcase to make your own safety-sack. Look at you, you’re a dang fish!

Be Kind to a Magician

How about spreading a little extra love this year beginning with magicians? Do you even know how sad those fools are? They’re depressed, and all the colourful handkerchiefs and complicated facial hair schemes in the world can’t help them out of that funk. Abra-ca-come get a hug, you big chinless fruitcake that couldn’t get a date in high school and had to resort to sleight of hand to get the time of day from the plainest girl in health class. Be kind to a magician, brother. They can’t helps it.

Repair Something

How about you fix that thing in your life that’s been broken so long you can’t remember what it was like when it was unbroke? Call up your daddy and repair your relationship with him, or write a letter to that sweetheart you done wrong in 2003: Hell, baby, I was just scared–please forgive me. Yours truly, Skeeter. Or why not re-grout that one mouldy-ass tile in the shower, or replace the garbage bag in the side window of your ’93 Ford Festiva with a fine piece of plywood. Whatever it is, now, at the beginning of the year, is the best time to fix it up.

Lunch Meat

Would it hurt you to carry around a little piece of lunch meat in your pocket just in case you come across some fellow down on his luck, or a hungry cat and/or dog on the adventure of a lifetime? Baloney, chicken loaf, canned ham with a spoon, it don’t matter, and it sure as hell won’t break the bank. Hang a hunk of turkey by the front door and carve off a couple slices whenever you leave the house. You’ll make some friends on your travels, and probably hear some fascinating tales from life on the road.

So, there you have it, five good things you might consider as resolutions. It’s week two of 2019, and that means it’s not too late to make some changes. This has been Amos Turtlecock for Monster Childrens. Thank you for your time.

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