I Quit Sugar

I’ve been a legit sugar addict all my life, eating at least one tennis ball-sized wad of sugary crap per day. Chocolate, gummies, licorice, whatever. I had to eat it. There was no choice. I had no control over the cravings and assumed I’d eventually lose a leg or two to diabetes.

But then I read this book called Sweet Poison by David Gillespie and it turned my head around. I quit. It took three goes, but now I’m no longer sugar’s slave. The first two times I tried to quit, it lasted about two weeks. I’d come down with the dreaded ‘low carb flu’ (which is what happens when your body has been running on the sweet stuff since you were seven and is suddenly cut off) but by the second week, I’d start feeling better. But then, just when it looked like beaten it, something would always happen to drag me back in: I’d eat a small piece of cake at a birthday party, a friend would insist I taste their dessert, and suddenly I was back on the gear.

But I stuck to my guns this time, and I’m four months deep. I did it. I quit sugar. And it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Here are the benefits I’ve noted so far.


Weight Loss

After one week of not eating lollies (candy), chocolate, chips, soda, dessert, or anything that has sneaky added sugar (tomato sauce, soy milk, products with ‘Low Fat’ printed on the label), I dropped 1 Kg. A month later I’d lost 3 Kg. I wasn’t a big fat bastard to begin with, but I was definitely out of shape–about 6 Kg over what was healthy for me. I didn’t expand my exercise routine (the occasional jog), but the weight fell off anyway. My belly button hasn’t been this shallow since I was a teenager. Sugar equals fat. Who knew?

Energy & Outlook

Now that I’m no longer chained to the high-fructose rollercoaster, I have more energy, and for the first time ever I’ve been able to get up early each day and implement an actual exercise regime. Rising at 6 AM and exercising for the first hour of my day is a piece of piss. I also have more energy at work, my mind feels quicker, and I’m in a better mood. I generally feel good about stuff. My relationships have improved and I like people more. I feel like I’m a whole lot kinder. The highs and lows of sugar addiction were making me a moody asshole, but it’s over now. Come get a hug.

Sleeping Better

I’m definitely sleeping better. I used to toss and turn quite a bit, but now I pretty much sleep all the way through the night (provided the 4:30 Bird doesn’t drop by), and I’m mentally much better for it. It’d be even better if I could cut coffee and alcohol from my diet too, but I’m not a fucking lunatic. Quit sugar and sleep like a baby.

Brain Power

Since giving sugar the boot, my concentration has improved exponentially. In the last month, I’ve read seven books, launched into an online French course and taught myself to play piano. It’s like my brain has finally turned itself on properly. I’m communicating better because I’m all ears, and my faculty for recall is off the charts. Last week a friend said, ‘Isn’t it funny how before smartphones you could remember everyone’s phone number?’ I thought for a second, and then miraculously disentombed every phone number I’d ever committed to memory, including the phone numbers of kids I went to high school with. Quit sugar. It’ll make you smarter.


Thanks to removing sugar from my diet, I can now fly. I’m not soaring above the trees (yet), but I can float about three-feet off the ground and travel roughly 15 kilometers an hour by leaning into the direction I’d like to go. It only works if I keep my arms pinned against my body, which makes it difficult to grab coffee on the way to work, but still, I’m flying. And I have a big penis.

Big Penis

It already looked like a security guard’s flashlight, but now, four months after quitting sugar, my dick is the size and shape of one of those inflatable baseball bats you get at the fair. It’s brilliant. I go to the zoo on weekends and flash it at the elephants. ‘What do you think of this, Babar?’

I Poo Money Now

It began with the occasional flurry of small change, but I’m now defecating upwards of ten-grand every time I go to the bathroom. I’m also able to exchange foreign currency by eating it.

Quit sugar. You won’t regret it.


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