Christmas Gifts for Your Ex


Sure, they ripped your heart out and punted it over the fence, but that doesn’t mean you should spend Christmas refreshing Instagram every three seconds to see if your ex is humping someone else for the holidays.

Take the high road. Let that bastard/bitch know you’re over it and don’t care anymore. That’s the best tactic, and nothing says, ‘Sure, I was sobbing and blowing snot bubbles the day you called it off, but you’re nothing to me now’ like a Christmas present. Here are five gift ideas to get you in the giving mood.

The Gift of Fish

Jesus was fond of fish. Very fond of fish. Didn’t he turn them into bread or something? Probably. The Son of God liked fish and Christmas is his birthday, which makes seafood a perfectly acceptable Yuletide gift for your ex. Hide a kilo of spanner crab inside your ex’s hubcaps. Merry Christmas, Ashley.

The Gift of Art

Painting. Photography. Sculptures made from feathers, mud and human hair. Everyone appreciates the gift of art, especially if you made that art all by yourself. My heart sings when a friend gives me the gift of art they made all by themselves, so why not fill your ex’s heart with joy and spray paint ‘Hope She Was Worth It’ and ‘Cheating Prick Bastard’ on their Subaru. Holiday blessings, Gavin.

The Gift of Laughter

Everyone loves a good laugh, and especially on Christmas day. Why not enter your ex’s details into one of the many anonymous STD notification websites? They’ll contact him/her by text and inform them that a ‘sexual partner recently tested positive for an STD and is notifying you via our anonymous notification service to recommend you also get tested…’ Now, that’s funny. Season’s greetings, Tiffany.

The Gift of Friendship

When a couple part ways, the friendship circle fractures, and someone always gets shortchanged on mates. Nothing personal. Just the way it goes. But what if I told you there’s a way you can help your ex make a bunch of new friends after the split? It’s true. Just visit one of the many inexpensive online sticker stores and order a batch of custom decals that read ‘I’M ADDICTED TO COCK.’ Be sure to include his/her phone number, then stick them in the toilets of every bar in the city. Feliz Navidad, Josh.

The Gift of Surprise

I don’t know about you, but I adore surprises. The only thing better than receiving a big surprise is receiving a big surprise from someone you absolutely did not expect to get one from. So why not go to your ex’s house in the middle of the night and coil out a gruesome turd on his doorstep. Glad tidings, Daryl.

 

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