Wait, a Steve McQueen movie that doesn’t have Michael Fassbender showing his wang?
Huge pressure on whichever Irish actor appears in Widows, then. Likely prospects Colin Farrell and Liam Neeson presumably shaved their gonads with a Bic razor in preparation, but it was all for nothing. Neeson at least walks naked from the shower to snog Viola Davis, but we only see him from the waist up. Fans of peens with particular sets of skills go boo! Hiss! Still, Neeson gets blown up before the opening credits, along with his crew, so the knob would have been gratuitous. Davis and the long-suffering wives take over and do a much better job of heisting five million bucks than their useless, exploded husbands. Scariest Bastard Onscreen 2018 award goes to Get Out star Daniel Kaluuya, while Aussie legend Elizabeth Debicki, who seems to be three feet taller than everyone else, gets a juicy role as an abused girlfriend who turns out to have her own useful set of skills. Plus, Robert Duvall spits the dummy and Cynthia Erivo subverts stereotype in her first film role as a badass babysitter/getaway driver for the ages. Go see it.
Speaking of legendary Australian women—Steph Gilmore! The Maui Pro wrapped up this week with a couple of major surprises. With a world title in sight, Lakey Peterson crashed out in the second round and thus Stephanie Gilmore was crowned champion for the seventh frigging time. Malia Manuel narrowly pipped Steph in the semi, but went down in the final to Carissa Moore. Huge congrats to Carissa on her win, but hey, what about that G-More? She has now equalled the number of world titles held by Layne Beachley (which sounds like a made-up surfer name but isn’t) and she’s only 30. We prostrate ourselves at our former guest Ed’s feet. GOAT.
Sticking with Australia and the ocean, a team of researchers from the University of Liverpool announced this week that they are sallying forth on an Antarctic Expedition. Their goal? To collect whale shit. Specifically blue whale faeces, which are, like, the biggest turds in the world. Apparently, the bluies are fertilising the ocean, unlike those selfish bastards the seals, who crap willy-nilly on the ice. Marine biologist Lavenia Ratnarajah has the unenviable job of scooping the poop, but at least she has drones this time. “You don’t want to fall into it,” she says. “It’s liquid and smells awful. Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world and sometimes I think I have the best.” Take note, MC faithful, if you’re waiting to drop in on a wave and some stinky orange goop breaks over your face, a blue whale just sharted on you.
In more bowel-related news, another team of intrepid science professionals threw themselves into a research project that is vital for the survival of humanity. To wit: if I eat a Lego brick, will I shit it out again? The answer seems obvious, unless you’re building a Lego Millennium Falcon in your lower intestine. Worried about kids swallowing Lego pieces, six doctors from Australia and the UK ate one of those little yellow figurine heads and waited by the bathroom for it to reappear. These rapscallions collected two types of data. The Stool Hardness and Transit score (SHAT) and the Found and Retrieved Time score (FART). I shit you not. In almost every case, Lego Batman passed through the colon rapidly and successfully although one researcher, Damien Roland, couldn’t find his, “so we made him search every stool for two weeks,” said report author Grace Leo. Man, the plot for the new Lego Movie writes itself.
Not all scientists are interested in buttholes (though most are, sounds like). Some just embody them. The latest study out of Harvard and Yale suggests global warming could be halved by spraying sulphate particles into the stratosphere in order to dim the light from mankind’s oldest enemy, the sun. All we need are some huge cannons that don’t exist yet, plus about $3.5 billion. Isn’t this great news, folks? No need to recycle anymore! Burn as much coal as you like because our friend the sulphurous cloud will protect us! Seriously. These clowns are suggesting we put a dimmer switch on the sun. Look, I get it, I’m a redhead so the sun already has it in for me, but let’s not piss off the great God Ra anymore than is necessary, eh? Yes, I worship the ancient Egyptian deities. What of it? Go watch Stargate and tell me I’m wrong.