These Are the Worst Songs of 2018

Good morning, buenos días, bonjour, bom dia.

The following songs were absolute shit and I wish I never heard them. Farewell 2018, and grazie for nothing.

Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper – Shallow

What an apt title for a song featuring the feminist movement’s greatest hoodwinker, Lady Gaga. Let’s team her up with none other than Bradley Cooper, star of the depth-defying Hangover trilogy, and have them sing about the vapidity of the modern world. In case you needed any more evidence that this life is nothing but one long and overwrought episode of Punk’d, here’s the final piece to the puzzle.

Tekashi 6ix9ine – STOOPID

Would a song by any other name sound as stoopid? Excuse me for appropriating the great wordsmith William Shakespeare, but the lyrical genius of Tekashi 6ix9ine (real name Daniel Hernandez) has me questioning whether the Brooklyn-born shout-rapper is, in fact, the Bard reincarnated? Unfortunately for young Daniel, “Drinkin’ Henny, goin’ brazy, poppin’ pillies” might be a hobby of the past after his arrest this week on racketeering and armed robbery charges, which carry a sentence of 32-years to life in prison. Need to appease the sadist within you? You can listen to his debut single here.

Post Malone – Better Now

Here we have another Henny drinkin’ enthusiast refusing to go by his given name. Born Austin Richard Post, the Texas-raised artist dropped this anti-banger back in June as a friendly reminder that we are all being slowly poisoned to death by a pervasive noxious gas called auto-tune. On a positive note, Austin Richard’s existence did allow for Donald Glover to deliver this burn of the century in season 2 of his televised masterpiece, Atlanta.

Little Mix – Strip

Are you fucking serious?

Eminem – River

Remember back in 2002 when Eminem dissed Moby in his track ‘Without Me’, by rapping “You’re too old, let it go, it’s over”? At the time, Moby was 36-years-old. This year, Eminem turned 46 and released this song. Slim, ever heard of taking your own advice? This shit is unforgivable.

Bella Thorne – Bitch I’m Bella Thorne

I’m not 100% positive, but from what I can gather, I think this young woman’s name is Bella Thorne. I also just spent the last four minutes of my big-bang-given life trying to find out if this song is just like an in-joke that no one else is getting, kind of like Muse’s entire discography? Anyway, my Google search neither confirmed nor denied my theory. All I can say is that if this is real, we need to press pause on this planet. Things are getting out of hand.

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