It’s been all about the Monster Children Photo Comp at the office recently, so what better time to take a look at photographers and why there are so many of the buggers.
There sure are a lot of them, aren’t there? Gee whiz. I wonder why. Let’s investigate.
Warning: if you yourself are a photographer, you might want to give this hilarious and completely tongue-in-cheek listicle a miss. You will almost definitely become incensed. Incensed is another word for angry, FYI. I know you guys didn’t pay much attention in school. Ouch. And we’re off.
First cab off the rank: it’s a piece of piss. Being a photographer is easy. Despite what they’d have you think, you don’t have to be Albert Einstein to press a button. You don’t even have to be human: monkeys can press buttons, dogs can press buttons, even cats could press buttons if they weren’t such uncooperative assholes. So, if you can successfully operate an elevator, you can be a photographer. And with the advent of digital cameras, it’s easier than ever to take a half-decent photo. Any knuckle-dragger with a pulse and an aversion to hard work can be a photographer.
As I said, digital has made it insanely easy to take a photo, but that doesn’t mean photographers haven’t continued muffing them up. You’d think an inability to capture a decent image would disqualify you from being a professional photographer these days, but no, you can just send your work to a ‘retoucher’ and have that guy spin your greasy, corn-flecked turds into solid gold. It’s criminal. Leonardo da Vinci didn’t get the retouchers in for the Sistine Chapel—he just laid off the cocaine and practised till he got it right.
You Get to Say You’re a Photographer
When someone tells me they’re a photographer, it’s almost always in a great booming voice with outspread arms: ‘I am a photographer! Would you like to put my penis in your mouth? HO! HO! Well, here’s a ticket to Greenland because that’s where the queue starts!’ You never hear them mention their profession under their breath; it’s always a big announcement, a grand declaration. You’d think they cured Ebola the way they fucking carry on. You can press a button, knackers. Settle down.
You ever see a pickled foetus? That’s what most photographers look like. They’ve got faces like kicked-in cupboards and no one wants to sleep with them. That’s why they got into photography. Specifically, fashion photography. Most photographers are fashion photographers, and they got into it so they could be around models. Google ‘fashion photographer’ and get a look at some of these rank freaks. Makes you wonder if there’s a God and, if so, is he really sarcastic. What a bunch of fugers.
Lord knows why these bastards get paid so much, but they do, and it’s absolutely mind-boggling. Your average wedding photographer can easily rake in $100,000 a year, while the top fashion dudes have day rates well north of that. It’s bonkers. They frown, they make everyone on set nervous, they knock over the craft services table and take a big shit on the floor, then they press a mother-fucking-button. Thanks, everyone, that’s a wrap. Ka-Ching! Photography is the gravy train to end all gravy trains. Why I decided to get paid in cookies and smiles writing this stuff is beyond me.
(Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the silly author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Monster Children and its affiliates. Good luck in the Photo Comp!)